Beginning of a vent

It’s been a hellva day. hellva week…. ugh just hellva time…. We were supposed to get up and go to Stefan’s psych evaluation in Austin but I turned off the alarm and went back to sleep. It started last Thursday really. He had a sleep study and the babies were with my mother in law. so it was just me and my oldest chickadee. He has been in trouble for like a year so now that he’s doing better I was so eager to have a fun day with my well behaved sweet boy ūüôā So we go about having a good ol day when hubby calls and right from the start I knew he was going to become combative. As soon as he found out we were at a frozen yogurt shop instead of at home in a deep depression without him he was just itchin to fight.

So after the bad phone call, i tried my best to move on but it just bothers me the idea that I have to be concerned about that immature jealousy. So when he gets home he was being a jerk and spanked my kid for no fuckng reason. I was mad but I didn’t have the energy to argue. So I went to bed. I heard him yelling at my kid- terrible things about how he was going to leave and it was all the kid’s fault and how the kid was going to have to watch me die slowly and it it was all my kids fault… i woke up long enough to tell ¬†my kid to take a shower and go to bed. Instead he decided to run away. Hubby decided to not wake me up until he couldn’t find him for over an hour! Eventually the vops brought him back but he’s had bad oxygen numbers ever since because he’s allergic to grass and trees. So we went tothe doctor today to look at why his heart was racing and his oxygen is so low.

I have a rant i need to get out but im actually too upset and tired to do in…. to be continued…….


Just Another Trip to the Hospital

So just one of those odd things once you’ve had cancer- your body is essentially a clunker, things run too hot or too cold. Thing ache or break for no reason. As of late, my feet have become bruised. Not like a little bruised, like… “what the hell happened to your feet!” bruised. The only new med is the antibiotic my doc said i needed to commit to being on for at least a year. I’m thinkin not so much now. This is mad painful and I just still don’t know how I got caught up in all this illness! So I spent a few hours getting checked out for blood clots at my local Emergency Room. Yay me.

I seemed like I was doin just fine, looking forward to summer camping and hiking….. even thought I might clean up my diet a tad and loose hose last few vanity pounds. Then BAM! I suddenly got sicker than I’ve been in a year or so! and now … I just can’t shake it! I went back to the eye doc thinkin my vision prescription had to be wrong- I was blind as a bat!- nope It’s the INFLAMMATION ON MY EYE causing the sight problems and once he gave me steroid drops they cleared right up- only now he says I have such a scab built up on my eye he might have to PEE: THE SCAB and give me a contact lens to help heal it


I’m already wigging out at this idea. Least my mouth has stopped bleeding and my vag is all better (tmi I know) ¬†Seriously. my body is a hoopty now…. without the backfires!

Hubs finally got fired (saw that comin!) and he rather cooly said he’d better start lookin for work. I don’t understand why he had to wait until he was officially fired to do this instead of starting to look once he had made up his mind that he wasn’t going back- men are just different I tell ya! but anyhow, since he has insurance through the end of the month I convinced him to get his sleep study dont since i believe he has some sort of spnea and it could qualify him for disability. disability aint much but the medicaid sure is nice and it wouldn’t talk much more than that to keep us afloat. I just hope I get this grant I applied for so I can go back to school for engineering or architecture or something ….


Who Am I And What Am I Doing Here?

It’s an odd thing, re-reading my post from a couple weeks ago, knowing what came next. So my rant on hubbikins: After our spat, and my writing, my oxygen dipped so low I became combative, passed out and was unwake-able. He called an ambulance and I woke up a couple of DAYS later in Intensive care. WTF right??? I had pneumonia MRSA and the flu. They had to pump air into my chest!!!!

This was one of my worst hospital stays- Since I’d been “up and at it” without my full deck of cards I had torn out my IVs (which are NOT easy to get on me) and I had been doing crazy business- yelling at people, trying to do laundry, etc) So I am home again and ¬†impatiently getting better. I just don’t understand what happened I mean I’ve been doing so well- I had moved to once a month dr appointments! Now I’m back to once a week, and having all these drugs pushed on me. Blah. I really am going to look them all up and start reading on this BOOP or COP Disease (not COPD I was told- there’s two). I have to break free of all this western medicine before they seriously medicate me to death.

I’m still on home oxygen- I lowered it though, apparently the tube was worn out and once we replaced it the pressure was so much better it didn’t need to be cranked up!

Funny thing happened due to this latest illness: I got down to my pre-baby weight! It only took 14 years! hahahahahahaha!

No so the medicine: this awesomely cool infectious disease doc, Dr. Baggwell (seriously, his name) and this awesome pulmonologist Dr.Dallas that have been with me from the start had me on this forced air treatments – and the rattling in my chest since I’ve been home has me nervous enough that I may take them up on getting the machine for home. (have I mentioned I was out for days? SCARY!) But they also want me to be on antibiotics for a year. – One called Bactrim. I’m going to look it up but here’s my problem: I understand that when I have been getting sick, I get REALLY sick so I need to not do that. Keeping me well will help until I’m stronger. Since I am no longer on anti-rejection drugs (woop woop!) I need the time to get my brand new immune system up and running. -wouldn’t taking constant antibiotics just make me 1. more likely to only catch super bugs, and 2. be like constantly flushing beneficial bacteria down the toilet (literally) I briefly read some stuff on probiotic treatment after stem cell transplant but the first study was primarily concerned with using it and the occurrence of acute vs chronic Graft Versus Host Disease. Honestly if you treat with probiotics and antibiotics, you really aren’t going to get the full on effectiveness of the probiotics. Either way, everything I’ve ready it looks very positive for the probiotic patients verses the antibiotic patients. The second thing was the butt ton of antivirals- again, I just get nervous taking anything in such a great quantity. I refuse to believe that I will have to take these drugs every day for the rest of my life- there just HAS to be a way to NOT and stay healthy without too much fuss!

On the husband front: he did get some of his shit pulled together since my hospital stay- he’s gotten a PTSD diagnosis- which is good since I’ve seen how he’s relaxed since they diagnosed him and the realization that he never has to interact with his boss again (who was being abusive) He really seems to be returning to normal. I just wish he had more ability to get shit done. (Only because *I* am impatient, it’s not like I have any ability to get shit done either!) The kiddo was put on ADHD medicine and is doing a lot better in school and at home (even if he still tries to mess up our schedule like every day!) I dunno what else. Um, I have a to do list down to my ass but no way of accomplishing it without serious pain and suffering. boo hiss….. so here’s something for the road- Hopefully getting this lil note out will help me sleep!

You Win.

I’m tired of fighting all the time. I’m tired of getting mixed messages and then being accused as sending mixed messages. I declare you the winner fear. if that’x what you’ve wanted, go for it! in one of our recent arguments, before the end as I know it, you declared that I had failed to take control of us like you wanted. That’s puzzling! What kind of man wants a woman to take charge ? Ah yes I remember it well now from childhood- my father (gag) he was always getting whatever woman he was with to run the house so that if things turned out well he could get the goods and if it went poorly, she was blames. Figures I’d seek out my ¬†father. Tonight was a perfect example of how we work (or don’t) now.

First off it was a late night, and we’ve both been sick- so my expectations weren’t high. I just wanted a relaxed morning of coffee, cartoons, and fever hallucinations. But no, he couldn’t wake up. This happens a lot with him. This “I just can’t.”¬†¬†nonsense ! So I get up, after 90 minutes of sleep, get the crazies some food, drink, and medicine. for their fevers. I start my coffee brewing. i go bask to our room to try and wake him gently. No dice. At this point the chickens and ducks are bothering me yet again and I am finally DONE! I put on my rain boots, find a pair of wire cutters, and set the chicken and ducks free (as well as fill up their waters and food feeders) It was crazy but I’ve been bugging him forever to do something because we have too many chicken for our back porch – they’ve stopped laying! They were very happy birdies actually, and I’m not so much worried about their survival as I in their enjoyment of their life.

I come back in and shower (as one does after working with chickens) and once again contemplate the choices I have a head of me. We had spent some time the day before arguing and being passive aggressive about his damn eye surgery. ¬†He thinks I am so mean and so petty they I hate him for getting his cataracts removed (they were so bad, he’s been un able to work!) All I said was it it would’ve been NICE if he had told me it was gonna me over $700 so I could dial the spending down! My second point is if I don’t inform him of purchases I make at much lower level (the $300 phone I got him for xmas, a couple 75 dollar presents over the years) he gets mad! He acts like it’s not even really a gift from me since his money paid for it. Never mind I prolly got the bet deal ever on it. *sigh* So in an effort to just gain my space and enough independence I had come up with turning the “side room” into the “girl room” I wouldn’t want to just move Boopy in there alone and frankly I am not sleeping well beside him after all he’s put me though. LOL that makes it he hallway of boys! My other idea is so take John’s room. and give him the side room. I’ve decided against it- he was too much of turkey with that room! I get out of the shower, still sweating profusely and sit in front of the box fan in the living room. after dozing off here and ¬†there, I move to bed. Once I’m there though, I try to start some “fun” time- he plays along, but doesn’t get hard. Says his head hurts. Fine, i say to myself, we’ll just snuggle up and go to sleep.

After a long sleep he woke up. I wasn’t greeted with so much as a “hey” In fact,-I don’t remember any salutation.But who knows, ¬†I may have been asleep! But anyhow, I woke up and the TV was on and he was playing on his phone as usual. There was some kind of pizza remnant. I’ve trained my mind to try and not take points down since it’s the doom of every relation ship. Eventually you’re just doing nice things for the points, not the person you love, and resenting the good things they do for you because that counts for however many points. Here’s the thing though, sometimes when you lose points you lose a sense of fairness and can’t accurately tell if you’re being abused. For instance: ,y sister woke me a text asking for my address because she wants to invite me to her wedding. It’s in Las Vegas and she’s pretty sure I can’t make it, but it’s just for the gesture. He says don’t give it to her. (he and my family have always had issues, and I pretty sure he is NOT invited) I kinda make a non committal “meh” and his body stiffens – the here-comes-the-fight-stance. He locks eyes with me and makes the fake confused look he makes when you know something condescending is coming “it’s in Las Vegas, isn’t it?” -obvious yes question; “I just don’t see how we can swing that- I mean how were you planning on getting there? FLYING?!?!” *chuckle to make one feel small, insignificant, and ignorant. We’re fresh off me discovering his eye expenditure (and while I’m okay with it again HE NEEDS TO SEE!…. it still would’ve been nice to know) Oh course he doesn’t take it like this, no- I’m a mean ol witch who doesn’t want him to see. I bring up the double standard (I mean he got pissed when I made a payment plan of 20 bucks a month on a medical bill) He starts going on and on about how I don’t trust him and how I’ll never trust him unless he bends over and takes from John (MY 10 YEAR OLD) During this whole next battle i remembered to mentally write things down to write down later because I feel like I forget these things because I’m so ¬† hell bent on not “taking points” So here’s what I’ve got: “Unless I bed over and take it from him, you’re you’re gonna be on his side” (I brought up the idea that maybe sodomy wasn’t the best subject for kids…) “When you say all that shit, it makes me want to be an asshole” (as in, it’s not MY fault, it’s Hollie’s for being too much of a bitch) “Why don’t you just marry him already, I know you want him over me” (MY 10 YEAR OLD?!?!?)

**He sent John to his room** “He doesn’t get a reward for sicking his mom on me!” (Because I can’t make decisions on my own? because I am so easily played I can’t out smart a 10 yr old? ¬†Just because I don’t want to ABUSE my child does not make me weak!!!)

“over the past week I was getting easier on him (a lie, since he came to me to be checked for bruised around his throat two days ago!!!) until you pulled this shit” (me “pulling shit” is me disagreeing with him in any fashion. – when we argued about the eye money he looked for proof in his fucking phone call logs to PROVE I was lying. – my point is even if you did TECHNICALLY tell me, you didn’t tell me well enough for me to grasp the idea, the consequences!)

Oh and My favorite “So we’re BACK TO you two (John and me) against the world” With how much he accuses my son of having an Oedipus complex you think maybe it’s reflection?

So here I am. I don’t dare wake him cause he’s “healing” from his awful PTSD. He professes love but doesn’t hardly let me have friends, and no family- even going so far as to yell obscenities when he knows im on the phone with him. He breaks my bones and blames me for it. ¬†But I’ve got no where to go. he’s ruined all my relationships by playing on my insecurities and things that I said or did to help me imagine how I did it all wrong. Yeah I think I need this separate room, and it needs a lock that I only have the key to. ¬†I just wish it had been different.


Anyone who wants to get in one of those tight ass leotards and high effin heels and DANCE is a-okay with me! Dancing like that takes time and effort y’all! And when they say they don’t want their children to see it what do they mean? how is it okay when women dress in less than that and dance in the same manner?
Here’s the idea that I don’t think these homophobes get that they’re sending. It’s a good thing for women to prance around practically naked and use sex/ her body/feminine wiles/ etc as a means to get or manipulate whatever she desires. She can even prance around near naked just because she likes to. But when a man does it, it’s degrading? Why? Are men’s bodies so grotesque that onlookers eye’s will bleed? are they not intelligent enough to learn choreography? Is moving gracefully to music not something they can connect with emotionally? On the flip side, is their worth as a person so great that dancing “like a woman” damages not only himself, but the respectability on mankind? What is so special about men’s body’s that they can’t be displayed? If the same group had shown up in cargo shorts, flip flips and no shirts, even though they’d be showing more skin, they probably wouldn’t have had the hatred they had expressed toward them. So what do these Homophobic women plan on telling their sons about their bodies? “God made you and your sister perfect, but um …. you need to keep your shirt on?” There’s so much on how the world isn’t fair for women….what about how unfair it is for men?