FAILish

So I haven’t been writing as much as I’ve wanted to. BELIEVE ME I’ve been wanting to.

So what to think, what to say? My life right now is oddly a mixture of hope, excitement,  and depression…

Rant: With the dictator out of town I am feeling what it feels like to simply BE ME. It’s the best feeling I’ve ever had- but hanging over it is her impending arrival, the end to my freedom, and the accountability for my folly.

Why am I not allowed to enjoy being from this state? I Don’t want to remain here forever (I have a dream involving Seattle) but the constant hatred she spews has really begun to wear on me.

Why can’t I enjoy anime? We all have different things we like. SO WHAT if I like anime? There are people DEDICATING THEIR LIVES to the Labrador DUCK that was exstinct in the 1800s!!!!! LET ME WATCH KENSHIN!!!! -whew-

So many things I won’t go into- but the essence is this: I will never be allowed to be myself without severe scrutiny and accusations of incompetence until I no longer have to co-exist with the dictator. I love her, she’s my mother, but I think at least on certain fronts I will have to defend my turf.

Love: I am what they would call an “ice queen” I don’t “do” love.  Too girly. Too unpredictable. ew. Well, here I am in love now- first time in many years- and while I have finally come to peace with it the ice empress has not all the way. This person means so very very much to me but she constantly wants to twist their motives till they seem like someone who is out to get me! I had a talk to a friend about this- a friend I happen to have a child with (heh) and well, our break up was largly brought on by her and this twisting regarding him. He reminded me, and I thank him.

Health: I want to smoke so bad it hurts- but I amremembering the embarrassment of kissing my love and them saying “smoking?” ugh! What a thing to do to someone on a first kiss!! I am a tad worried about lil bit- he’s been cold.  

School: Procrastination is like mastribation- you are only fucking yourself! I DID do my Biology lab -ik- and I have my outline for my response paper on Confusious-double ik. SO …. I’m doing things OKAY??? I am going to the Phi Theta Kappa Orientation tomorrow (YAY, my love will be there!) it will be exciting though, simply because I worked so hard to get my GPA high enough to get in. I REALLY wanted it- and I DID IT.

I’m a girl who gets what she wants…..

Kids:  Biggin has been abcent mostly- over at his father’s house. And I’m fine with that. He needs the time with his dad right now.

Lil bit has grown some and was thrilled today to spend some time with “Daddy,” who is SO not his father! It hilarious how kids cleave onto someone as their parent huh?

Okay, well, I suppose I should hit the hay- I don’t know how after having bed company last night (I’ve truely been spoiled this week  with having my honey in bed with me twice in one week- I want more!!)

Guten Nacht

P.S.

Check out  http://www.wnyc.org/shows/radiolab/

It’s awesome!!!

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