Love

I fell in love with a boy… sounds alright huh? NOPE! guess again! It’s so complicated I am thinking of forcibly breaking my own heart to get rid of the feelings- which I’ve done before, and it worked quite well…

So here it is: I met this particular boy through an organization at my college- not a social organization, but a scholarly “academy” thing. I instantly- and I mean INSTANTLY- was smitten, drawn to him in some odd way I’ve felt only once before. Every meeting I gazed at him, adoring his features. I watched him with quiet angst, shaking off my childish crush with negative ideas about how I was far too inferior to even approach him.

I did this for a whole semester.

Next semester came, and I finally had gotten myself somewhat together to talk to him- it was fairly accidental actually. I had spent some time breaking myself of his magical properties, and actually didn’t plan on asking him to do anything. The first was a poetry thing that didn’t end up happening- the event was hard to find, and we were too late besides- so we went to a movie. I hardly saw the movie because I was again enthralled by his beauty. We talked for so long, and he was everything I thought he was- smart, funny, interesting, and ambitious. I remember that night dropping him off and floating home.

We began hanging out more not because he wanted to but I feel like a combined thing of my longing to be out of my house and forcing myself into his life sort of. I don’t have alot of friends. He didn’t get out much. It was fun to hang out, as long as I didn’t get too involved, I told myself, it would be fine. IN FACT what a brave little toaster I’d be if I could do it- be friends with this boy!

I began to want more of course, and sensing this, I told him I need to ignore him for a week. It was a hard week. I drank alot. I did lots of really bad things. but ultimately Ik was able to steel my heart and work with him while at school and chat online with him.

I then decided that I was only longing for A relationship- not just for HIM specifically. So I took up dating. I found an okay man who was very pleasing in bed, but emotionally unstable. It lasted a month or two start to finish…. yeah, no. The whole time, I’d hear a song on the radio- I think it was Beyonce’s “Halo”- and think of the boy from school. I’d shake it off, affixing my mind that these were bad thoughts and I ought to stop it NOW. And I did.

We were able to hang out a few times a month for a few months- so much fun, going somewhere or not. He caught on that he could stare into my eyes and I could not hold his gaze. The truth is his eyes melt me in the inside, always have no matter what phase of this I have been in. Sad eh?

Then one night he needed to hang out while his mom had a visitor at their house. It got late, we had gone for a walk and drank A beer (I maybe had 2) and I lost my shoe… ANYHOW He spent the night here, and while I did nothing to him, I slept in a way I hadn’t ever before. Despite the physical contact being odd, I felt somewhat complete with him there, in my bed.   The next morning I attempted (and failed) to try and kiss him. He had a boyfriend. Of course.

I was crushed. Pride injured, angry scribble above head, and hell on wheels, I pressed on, did some more bad things to myself, and eventually was sure I would rid myself of these feelings. Whenever I thought about him, longing for his affection- i made a point of talking ugliness to myself- telling myself how he and his boyfriend love  and who the hell was I? A single mother! ha! He hardly would want my damaged goods! pft!!!

Even now it hurts to think about it. I tried to stay away as best I could. But I DO enjoy talking to him -ALOT- So of course we did over at his house, and eventually there came a night when it was late and I was tired- to tired to drive for sure. I slept in his bed, in his arms, and my world was once again complete.

There is an added bit with my kids- he has met them, which I never do since I don’t want my kids to ever perceive I have a rotating door to my bedroom. The younger of my two sons has taken to calling him “daddy” Which I despise since I think it’s wrong to let on to a child if you are not that. But my child persists, so… what can I do? But it complicates things further you see, because I somewhat feel that if I were to discontinue seeing him, I would be taking “daddy” away.

Back to where I was- So THEN he and the boyfriend break up (I didn’t talk to him for a while, so I got the news a lil late) He told me on a Messager and I just about peed my pants. The new mantra was “he needs to rebound… he needs to rebound… I will not be his mistake… I will not be his first… ” But my desire was more than ever.

He took up staring me in the eyes more- our bit grew into more suggestive things, he stopped acting so innocent when I made suggestive comments. (which I do just in the course of playing around, with everyone I know- even my mom)

Different thoughts would creep into my head when he was around me- sometimes it was a desire to kiss him, sometimes just a desire to blurt out something gay and mushy like “I adore you.” I resisted but in doing so I started this verbal response of just saying- out loud- “NO.” and he’d say- “no what?” and I’d respond “just no.” This must have been a frustrating phase for him. Alot of it was centered around how I was not willing, after having my spirit crushed by his earlier rejection, to put myself into even ADMITTING any feelings for him. I played it off, yet I knew it.

Over the summer, I did some work on myself, convinced the problem was that I was dissatisfied with myself and was seeking someone to define me. I worked steadily and it consumed me. I read books, I listened to tapes, I did homework, went to conventions, even went to Sedona and got my aura read. This was very good for me. I am much more confident now than ever. I see who I am inside and love myself very much. I can calm myself. I am just more comfortable with myself, in my own skin.

So in this process, I finally decided that it was best for him and my own sanity if I just let it rest and let him make the move if he was gonna. Eventually we got on the subject, and I told him so. I felt so much relief, knowing that I was no longer mine to decide.

We eventually kissed- although I will say a fudged it! He doesn’t smoke- I do on occasion and that was right after a smoking stint so yeah… it was all smokey so no bueno…

There were small kisses in between, and each time my lips would shake uncontrollibly- I would get light headed, feel like I was going to pass out… He noticed, didn’t know what to do.

Then my mom went to Alaska. I told him I wanted to sleep with him again- and i did spend the night over at his house once again, although his mom spooked me with her random noises and I slept part of the night on the couch (just happened that way, he didn’t make me or anything)

Then I got him to my house. We made dinner, he played with my son… We ate this eggplant stuff that was our creation and drank some Merlot. It was heaven. We talked about anthropology and linguistics. We cuddled up in my bed and watched Kenshin (anime) Every bit I was melting on the inside. Finally tired of Kenshin, it was lights out- and I wish now it had ended there.

This is where it gets hard to type. He kissed me – on my neck wrapped up in the sheets together, intertwined like I had so often dreamed about. I kissed him too, more and more and more, I wanted all of him SO badly…So I took him. It was wrong, I see now. He seems traumatized. I was the first woman well… anyhow… This whole unrequited love thing stinks.

So now I’m torn- part of me says that if he doesn’t love me as much as I love him, I ought to break myself again and move on from there. Another part of me says that I’ve done this several times, the breaking thing, and it hasn’t stuck like when I’ve done this with other men, then perhaps I ought to just press on. But how much pain can I endure? How much will I put him through?

The other part of me says what the heck is the risk in TRYING it? He doesn’t have to ADORE me, just try it out! No two people are on the same emotional page at any given time anyhow- what’s the harm? but NO he won’t have it that way- what an idealist! Pft!

I feel like I ought to “just be” myself- my true self is in love with him, so why mess with it- now by “in love” I mean I’m attached to him – I admire him and want to be with him but I still have myself, and am generally unaffected if he dislikes something … what I mean to get at is, I’m not obsessed (although this looks like it huh?) I still have myself. I just notice I am jealous when he hangs with another girl – or at least I used to be, not so much after some interaction with her, I do not feel threatened by her. I tried to have a booty call and literally got sick with anxiety. I just kept thinking about what he would think if he knew… probably wouldnt care really, but I cancelled anyhow- what can I say, barfing isn’t sexy.

I HATE feeling that he has so much controll- which he does. He has to work through some things, and now I wait. Our relations are strained, our conversations have a limp. I am considering ignoring him for a week (or two), just to give us both a breather.

I don’t feel like eating. I think about him and what I did constantly, I feel so bad for bringing up bad things for him. and most of all, i feel sick waiting on him to figure out if he wants to be with me or not. Either way, I’ll live, but it will be much harder if he says no. I might spin out of control for a week, but ultimately it’s not the first let down I’ve ever had. I keep doing these things- these things that are humiliating to myself- like this love thing. BUT I DONT FALL IN LOVE EVER!!!

What kind of cruel joke of God is this??? I DONT THINK YOU ARE FUNNY!!! Why is it the 3rd (2nd?) person i have ever loved doesnt love me back? This cements it- NO MORE LOVE! NO MORE MEN!

I will leave him be- not avoid him, but not start any conversations (he hates messaging first, so it should stop all our conversations. I will miss him, but perhaps this is the bitter medicine I need to take for my actions.

Thanks for tuning into this Bunnie rant. I know This probably will seem silly in a month or so, but it is good to vent these things.

UPDATE: This does indeed seem silly considering how things turned out…. he’s gay. LMFAO >.< silly girl silly girl

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3 thoughts on “Love

  1. I never wanted to let you go bunny. I just have been dealt a lot these past several weeks and I haven’t been able to find the proper time to sort it all out. On top of which, the incident let out some thoughts, expressions, feelings, and pain that I wasn’t ready to deal with that day. I don’t know how to sort it out yet… but I don’t want you to feel or think that I am letting you go or that I don’t want to be around you anymore.

    I don’t want to let you go. That is the truth. I just don’t think I am ready to give you what you ask for. If I tried things now, it wouldn’t be right… not for me, not for you coz you deserve something more than a “maybe” or a “I don’t know but possibly”.

    I don’t want you to wait for me, to press your life on pause, or to hold onto your breath simply for the sake of me. I don’t want disdain to grow in our hearts for one another either for being dishonest to ourselves. I don’t want you to hate you or have you hate yourself more than you do already.

    If I didn’t have these scars, maybe it wouldn’t have been so bad… but I haven’t come to terms with it. You’re someone who deserves more than the cruelty and cards dealt to you but perhaps… you’ll grow stronger from it.

    1. Ah, this is the tricky thing about me and my free will. I shall wait, for however long, since that’s all I can do. I ask for nothing but your attention- and THAT’s the truth. I am not here to bind you since I too do not wish to be bound. I’m glad you think I deserve more than a maybe, cause I do- BUT HERE’S THE THING- it’s all I have to work with at the moment, ja?
      My life is never on hold, that’s something I learned not to do long ago- No one is worth pausing your life. I say that, I AM slightly in that I can’t seem to participate in the things I used to do- my heart isn’t in it, it’s somewhere else….but it’s probably best that those activities went away anyhow.
      I hate myself simply for the things I have done, including releasing your pain here recently. Sure I have scars, everyone does. (okay, maybe I have a FEW more) STILL – I just want wolfie back…..stronger is crap!

    2. Oh…. AND- Don’t worry about me, I’m fine. Work on your things. I plan on giving you space and distance to work thru your stuff- unless you want an opinion on it- which of course I have one 😉

      Well, I’m kinda flip flopping on the distance thing and here’s why- nothing can grow if there is distance. I’m bound to not be very nice if forced (by myself in this case) into giving you distance I think. So can I continue to bug you? See you once and a while? Randomly kidnap you? Cause that’s what bunnies do 😀 😀

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