2) The Law of Surrender

1.What am I resisting in my Life? I am resisting many things at once really. I am resisting going out and meeting people because I fear being liked just as much as being rejected. I am resisting trust of anyone because then I would have to challenge my way of thinking. I am resisting thoughts of attractiveness since I have always been the fat kid, and to be anything else also challenges my self identity. I am resisting romantic urges as well as urges to push away. No one said I wasn’t complicated.

2.What am I afraid of? I’m afraid I may lose myself. I’m afraid of being rejected, lost, ridiculed… I’m afraid of amassing more memories I will play over and over in my head, feeling worse about them with each passing day- I don’t need more ammo to shoot myself with, and some part of me thinks I will merely go out and make an ass of myself and will later have yet another example of why I should just not talk to people. I am afraid of what is happening already- I express desire, and it is blown out of proportion, possibly ruining a good thing that I love. I am afraid of being alone, but I am terrified of people and what they might think of me.

3.What will happen if I surrender to the situation? I might get hurt, but I also might gain some experience in how to avoid the situations I would get hurt in. I might gain friends, but also enemies. I might fail. I might become attached to people only to have them push me away- but we all must learn, I know that intellectually. It’s just harder when it actually happens is all. Hopefully, with surrender, I can let it be and stop picking at the scab. My favorite worst case scenario that my head loves to taunt me with is a vision of living in Texas when I’m old and gray, sitting in my small run down apartment with no one, like my grandma. Her kids don’t talk to her, her grand-kids either…. So alone, and so desperate. I don’t want to be that. I want to be going places, seeing the world. Loving my family and hopefully a significant other (male or female).

4.What am I getting out of holding onto the resistance? An Excuse. I delude myself into thinking I am playing it safe, testing the waters. I tell myself, “don’t mingle, they will hate you.” I am perpetuating my perceptions and holding onto my hate- perhaps for motivation? drive? Who knows… I know I have always felt more push when I tell myself I am pushing AGAINST someone or something that is trying to hold me back. Maybe if the world weren’t so scary, I’d feel more at home in it.

5.Who is getting hurt? I am, mostly. My mom, probably. My kids and my sister don’t have it easy. Wolfie probably not, but maybe. I am since I am punishing myself in this cycle of loathing. My mom takes the brunt force of my hate since she has come to represent most of what I despise about the world. She shows me that I am everything I hate myself for- my selfishness, inattentiveness, greed, and naivete. Whenever I do get self confidence, she brings me down, when I go so far down that I neglect myself or the house work she builds me back up- it’s a balancing act really, but I know she understands I despise her and adore her all at once.  My kids have to live with their mom being unstable, for which I truly feel awful. No kid should have to guess what Mommy’s feeling today. (That’s why I’m doing this, eh?) My sister could use a sister, but I’m sure she’s doing fine without my craziness!!! Wolfie I’m unsure if I even scratch the surface of his world sometimes. I hope I do, but at the same time, I hope I don’t and he has made it through my influence, unscathed.

6.What obstacles need to be removed before I can surrender? My hatred of myself. My willingness to be effected by my mother’s judgment. My inability to be assertive with my mom, and my fear of being who I really am, unashamed. Almost all my blocks are internal- fear, shyness, and um… more fear.

7. If the worst were to occur, what would I need to do to be happy? Rejection wise- I’d need to distance myself, as I am doing to regain control of the over analyzing of the situation. Not everyone wants to be my friend, the sooner I learn that mostly that is their issue, the better. I suppose in the instance of the alone in my run down apartment scenario, I’d need to still get out and to volunteer work, to meet people when I was older. Prevention wise, I need to be the best mother I can be, and hope that my children become good enough men that they want to stay around dear old mom. Heart wise- I guess the logical answer is to never stop trying. Meet new people, try to find a love, but not make it the single goal of importance (heh, not that I do by any means!)  But as far as having someone to grow old with, I think that is largely in the Universe’s hands, not mine. I have no control over my soul mate’s appearance in my life, or lack thereof. If it all falls by the wayside, I can devote myself to learning. I love to read, and I obviously love to write. So why not settle down, and older woman, and write a book? or two? That sounds like I’d enjoy it. I suppose I’d find a way to enjoy my life, or kill myself- either way the problem would work itself out.

8. Make a list of all the things you dislike about the separation process. Well, since I’m already done with it, it feels odd to talk about what pained me.  Here it goes, why not? I hated the most the feeling of being a free radical- a family without a head. When Phil and I split this was not so much since it was just my big boy and myself- I was fine, mostly. The split between Phil and I was hard because I grew up with him. I couldn’t sleep without him, and I was still terribly in love with him. I just knew we’d never amount to anything so it was time to call it quits. Jeremy what hurt was all the upheaval. It hurt thinking about the future of our baby since he wasn’t even born yet. It hurt to know I had been rejected so purely and so personally. My trust was betrayed,  and my devotion wasn’t enough. But it was also very relieving. Finally all the drama was over, I had a safe haven from his hurricane lifestyle. I think if anything, I hated how slowly painful it was- separating ought to be quicker.  😡

Here it says to rewrite my divorce story but with exaggerations by 50 times- but I think that would be pretty hard, unless I claim that he beat me everyday and set me on  fire in the dog house i lived in outside- I MEAN REALLY!!! So Perhaps I will call it a day on the Law of Surrender. I am beginning to feel the peace spread through me with each chapter I work through. “Just being” isn’t one of my talents, but with time, it could become one of my best assets.

Anything could happen.



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