Fears

You know, i went out and sat in the cold for a sec and really thought about what I fear- You know what it is?

I really fear happiness. You know why? Because at a certain level I think I am one of these people predestined for unhappiness, misfortune.

I am scared that I WILL find happiness and it will be snatched away from me by some turn of events that I can only blame myself for.

Anytime I have been truly happy, I have done something to mess it up, or some circumstance has been there to rain chaos on my parade. I understand that we are exactly where we are supposed to be, and everything is as it should be cosmically, but in a cosmic sense- some people are meant to live lives of unhappiness. Someone has to have stillborn babies, someone has to lose the ones they care about to plane crashes, car accidents, and cancer. Am I that person?

I fear a day will come when I let myself go, and am very happy and content,  when I will get that call. Either a doctor or emergency personell, a woman whom my spouse is cheating on me with… a lawyer, who knows…

I am terrified of being alone when I die, but I am more afraid of letting down the people I love by dying. I fear death since I feel it all the time and I don’t understand why. I have been feeling it, breathing on my shoulder, since I had my second son. Perhaps I have gone mad. I also fear that my mind is no good and that I am so far off the mark that I am one of the devolved humans that I rally against.

I loathe myslef for my weakness, my inabilities, and my urges to do harm to myself and others. I don’t understand how one person can want to do so much good and so much bad all at once. But at the same time, I feel more at home in my skin.

I used to alter back and forth between my pure evil side, Rebekah, and my goodness, Hollie. Now I am somewhere in between. I love my kids, I love my life. I hate my lack of freedom, I hate my circumstances and prospects for finding a future I can be happy with.

Either way, the underlying fact is the same- I am afraid of living, but afraid of dying. So I push on, since I don’t know what else I can do. I hope if anything does happen to me, everyone knows how much I truly loved them, and enjoyed being a train wreck in their lives 😀

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