Law of Divine Guidence

So it’s been a bit before I could get to this law- had a lot going on, but I finally did it.

I don’t tend to write or talk about my spirituality (at least until recently) since I really didn’t have any sense of it. I was raised kind of odd and figured from an early age that this was some fight over tiny opinions and I best not get mixed up in all the religious bullshit. I still see no need or benefits from religion in general. I do, however, have certain spiritual beliefs I myself abide by, but they are basic: we do not have the right to belittle others, we do not have the right to determine other people’s worth, don’t kill, and the like.

Giving my power over to a “divine creator” is not something I jump into willingly, rather, I hesitate asking if I really want to hand over my well being to something I know nothing about. I remain suspicious despite my trust in karma and the well-meaningness of humanity. Sounds odd coming from such a pessimist really, but I do believe that human beings, at their base, mean well even when they speak of war.

I believe that there are miracles, but they are so small that most of us hardly recognize them as such. It’s a miracle I am here today since long ago I probably would have died in childbirth, along with my first son. it’s a miracle I wake up everyday.  It’s a miracle I can see and am healthy enough to do Pilates.

The Universe will provide what we need, when we need it, as long as we trust it to do so. I am living proof of that. I refused to grow and mature in a timely fashion so the Universe provided the hardest lessons possible to assist in my maturation. Phillip showed me that a shining, beautiful person can grow in the poorest of soils, and that I was indeed something special. Jeremy showed me that I will hold onto hope in a bad relationship beyond reasonable expectation. Diego showed me pure love, and still shows me that when you know someone at their very core, and connect to them at that level, you really know them- no matter how much they change. Each friendship, each relationship, even each one night stand, I learned something from. I am hardly the girl I was last year, much less two years ago.

I know I am not alone. I have a ton of people if I think about it. I have my mom, who will support me in what I wish to accomplish (at least as long as she believes it’s worth while). My sons, while it is not their job to support me, they do in the best way they know how- my older son will say sometimes “mommy, you look so pretty” or randomly hug me- that is the best support I can ever get from anyone really. They adore me, and wanting to be someone worthy of that is a major driving force! My friends, including the Wolf,  inspire me to be something better, and when I fall behind- my true friends will say “hey! what are you doing here!!” Seeing that I am worth something to someone else sometimes make me remember that I believe that too.

I know the Universe. We go way back (ha… ha?) I do know from experience that the Universe will provide since I was a soul with nothing several times. Looking back on my short life so far, I can see everything and how it has changed me for the better. Each moment was leading up to the now-  and I haven’t reached the summit yet! I still have a long way to go! The major difference is that now I am not fighting the current- rather swimming with it so maybe I can see around the next bend and prepare!

I invite help in. Okay, maybe I ought to get better at this. I am now becoming accustomed to asking people about spiritual matters, and maybe later I will get better at asking for help on other things. I ask God for things, but have always been conscious of asking for petty things- I mean really, he runs the whole damn universe, don’t ask him for a car! But as far as asking other people, I become fearful of becoming the person always in need of rescue! I don’t want to be that person that people see on the caller ID and groan. I want people to be excited to speak with me or spend time with me.

I find support when I am truly in need. I went to NA when I started having major issues stopping my habit. I reach out to Phil when I don’t understand something parent wise. I ask my mom about a lot of things. I am not too proud to suffer for very long. Finding support in the Universe is harder however since it requires me to hush that inner worry.

I quiet my mind- I meditate. I ought to do it more. The method I have acquired is listening to my breath and going one of two ways- the chakra way, picturing each one lighting a different color and feeding the aura (like aura repair) OR I imagine going down in an elevator for 8 breaths to a garden (hokey, I know) and meeting with my alternate selves (one of darkness, one of light) and reconciling our understandings of the events or beliefs I feel are holding me back. It really depends on whether I need the conversation or not. Sometimes the Darkness is annoying so…

Prayer is hard for me. I only ask God for Guidance, Wisdom, and Perseverance. If I feel I am becoming attached to someone, I ask for relief from it- “If this is not condoned by you, break me of this” because I do not wish to be plagued by romances that will only serve to distract me from my higher goals, my higher excellence. There has been one that won’t break, and once I realized it, I am leaving it be- and now leaving it to JUST BE! Prayer has been linked in my mind with religion, which I reject. This is not fair since they are not the same. I’ve thrown the baby out with the bath water, and now I need to go down and find that seed!

Well, now I move  on to the Law of responsibility, big fun big fun…. I am truly growing from this book, and I wish it were more socially acceptable to recommend self-help books!!

Other than this, I have made some good frickin grades on mid terms and hope to be making at least two As this semester! Phi Theta Kappa is a go, and I am socializing more than I ever have in my life. I met a girl I happy about, and hopefully will get to meet another in person here soon. Boys are kinda ruined for me at the moment, but I’m sure that the Universe has a reason for that. I have been kind of down about my weight loss plan, but it all takes time. I’m no good at patience. Maybe another thing to ask God for eh?



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