Mummy Dearest

So I know I haven’t posted in a while, and I think that may be why all the thoughts are building up inside of me and rotting away, causing quite a stink.

 

My mother and I are what’s come to bother me today. Well, actually for this has been bothering me for a while. She adopted a new mentality where she takes what she needs first and screw what ever else happens. The problems soon developed. She then realized with my new desires for participation in school organizations divided her: she wanted to be supportive but she wanted her needs met first (since she perceives that otherwise, they go unmet). So she watches my boys while I go and do things related to school organizations – they are mostly in the evening or durning other times we would normally have family time.

The result – an icy household. I know it sounds silly, but she used to kiss me on the forehead every morning when she would leave for work and today she didn’t say bye or even make eye contact before leaving.  Why so angry? Do I not deserve a life too?

Granted, I know I do have some fault in this: she is probably mad that I stayed out last night after she told me what happens (when I come in at 2, our alarm beeps and it wakes  her up with just enough sleep to not be able to fall back to sleep) I felt aweful last night and will probably choose sleeping in the car over waking her again like that.

But this started before that. Last week I blew up at her for forgetting to pick up my younger son when I had told her a month in advance of my plans. So maybe it is me. (See, this is why I write) She needs me to help her remember my plans since they are indeed MY plans. Blowing up at her and talking to her like she forgot him out of some sort of malice was not right.

I don’t think I wouldn’t have been so ugly with her if it weren’t for this “me first” mentality. I have been taking alot of a “me first” mentality since I haven’t been first in 3 years! I understand that she is putting our needs ahead of her own by allowing us to live under her roof, even if she doesn’t think of it that way.

I hate feeling like such a burden. Who else would take in an adult and two children, and then pay for them to get an education? A crazy person. That’s who.

So how to solve this? I suppose time is the best healer but it has to be accumulated good time. I need to get my head out of where I am at any given moment and think about what she is doing for me ALL THE TIME. This is what will make this situation bearable. I don’t enjoy living with her sometimes, but she is easier than anyone else I know.

Since I haven’t written in a bit, I am trying to think of something that has happened that needs out as well. I guess there is really nothing. I have aspirations of greatness in Phi Theta Kappa….. and I’m glad to be making so many new friends (including a certain young man*grin*) and WOW IM TIRED….

I have read the Law of Responsibility  and need DESPERATELY to do my exercises…….damn it.

Until then

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2 thoughts on “Mummy Dearest

  1. Essentially, there’s no easy answer to that kind of environment. The worlds you live in are parallel and linked only by a thin permeable membrane called “biology”. The growth and conditions of a family have not fully grown in the gaps yet (and likewise there have been things done from both parties that have stripped away some of that natural growth).

    Though you don’t realize it all the time initially, she tries in her own way and fails often, heh. But… what parent doesn’t, eh? We fail our parents too.

    Generally speaking: She doesn’t share the same expectations our outcomes of parenting though as you do. As a person, she holds onto a different set of beliefs and ideas than you do. She’s also had a lot on her plate to deal with and more of it that has caused her to change.

    Specifically speaking: Your mother is still trying to find balance in her life. As a person, as a daughter, as a mother. and as a grandmother. She doesn’t know the answers but she feels she does (at least I think so). She’s tried to simplify the complexity of life to a set of equations in a matrix. She limits herself and she dumbs life down– or so I feel.

    Life is not a pattern but it does have patterns in them. Even if it was such, we could never know the fullest extent of them.

    It’s not about The Answer though… It’s about The Journey, at least I think. It’s like food: does she eat to be full or to be satisfied? Same goes for you; what are you doing it for?

    Anyhow, point being is, there are gaps between the two of you that you two need to work on trying to fulfill, if you two care about it enough to do something about it of course. If you want to fill it with something besides tar and dead stars, then fill it with the one thing that cannot be devoured or stolen by anyone/anything: Hope.

    1. We have an odd relationship because (like her opinion on you) it swings back and forth. This morning when I came up she was happy and stayed up talking about philosophical things and other things. But the other day, she couldn’t give a shit less. We used to talk for hours and not shut up and be all late for shit. NOW we can hardly have a phone conversation without it turning akward.
      Like all relationships, this too takes work. I am under no illusions.
      I am fine if she wants to help herself and find herself- so do I- but there is a way to do that without being disrespectful to me and the children.
      What AM I doing it for? This is what I’m asking myself.

      When I think about what I am doing after my graduation I begin considering where I might move (you know where) or what other arrangements I might make for me and my kids. None of the scenarios are pleasing.

      I’m afraid I have little hope for us as our understanding of reality differs widely. For now, I will do my best to be kind, and keep my head down…. that’s the best I can do. It just saddens me sometimes because I wish we could bridge the gap.

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