So I know I haven’t posted in a while, and I think that may be why all the thoughts are building up inside of me and rotting away, causing quite a stink.
My mother and I are what’s come to bother me today. Well, actually for this has been bothering me for a while. She adopted a new mentality where she takes what she needs first and screw what ever else happens. The problems soon developed. She then realized with my new desires for participation in school organizations divided her: she wanted to be supportive but she wanted her needs met first (since she perceives that otherwise, they go unmet). So she watches my boys while I go and do things related to school organizations – they are mostly in the evening or durning other times we would normally have family time.
The result – an icy household. I know it sounds silly, but she used to kiss me on the forehead every morning when she would leave for work and today she didn’t say bye or even make eye contact before leaving. Why so angry? Do I not deserve a life too?
Granted, I know I do have some fault in this: she is probably mad that I stayed out last night after she told me what happens (when I come in at 2, our alarm beeps and it wakes her up with just enough sleep to not be able to fall back to sleep) I felt aweful last night and will probably choose sleeping in the car over waking her again like that.
But this started before that. Last week I blew up at her for forgetting to pick up my younger son when I had told her a month in advance of my plans. So maybe it is me. (See, this is why I write) She needs me to help her remember my plans since they are indeed MY plans. Blowing up at her and talking to her like she forgot him out of some sort of malice was not right.
I don’t think I wouldn’t have been so ugly with her if it weren’t for this “me first” mentality. I have been taking alot of a “me first” mentality since I haven’t been first in 3 years! I understand that she is putting our needs ahead of her own by allowing us to live under her roof, even if she doesn’t think of it that way.
I hate feeling like such a burden. Who else would take in an adult and two children, and then pay for them to get an education? A crazy person. That’s who.
So how to solve this? I suppose time is the best healer but it has to be accumulated good time. I need to get my head out of where I am at any given moment and think about what she is doing for me ALL THE TIME. This is what will make this situation bearable. I don’t enjoy living with her sometimes, but she is easier than anyone else I know.
Since I haven’t written in a bit, I am trying to think of something that has happened that needs out as well. I guess there is really nothing. I have aspirations of greatness in Phi Theta Kappa….. and I’m glad to be making so many new friends (including a certain young man*grin*) and WOW IM TIRED….
I have read the Law of Responsibility and need DESPERATELY to do my exercises…….damn it.