Meaning of Existence

So recently I was thinking (in the shower, where I do most of my thinking these days) about a walk I had with a friend. As I was soaping and stuff, I ran over an injury on my heel I had gotten on a walk with a friend – anyhow, I began to wonder that since this friend is going to move away fairly soon, why is it that I was so willing to endure bloodying my heel and eventually walking barefoot just to carry on the conversation? When someone leaves a location but leaves memories of themselves behind, do they still exist in that location? What is the nature of existence? Why and for what purpose do we exist?

What drives people? When first considering this, I think of many things. Money, power, material possessions, knowledge, physical pleasure, and love all drive humans in one way or another. But what do these all have in common? – The pursuit of happiness. But what is happiness? – Being successful, right? What is success? Totally up to the person. GGGGRRRRR Why????

It’s like an unending circle of questions.

What I hate is when I try and discuss things philosophically with people, and they seem to think I am actually drilling them for an answer seriously. I want to know what drives me, but I know that no one can answer that but me. My mother has lots of ideas but a lot of her ideas are based on the failures of others. The people who take anything extremes, fail. It doesn’t matter what the philosophy is, moderation is the key (I think).

I mostly know who I am and who I am wanting to be. I haven’t set any particular aims for who I want to be, but I feel freer to be myself – all that that includes. I have gained ground in confidence and self-esteem. All in all, I have been steadily improving for some time now. So why the sudden questions? Why the sudden problems with emotional outbursts? (I’ve been crying a lot at odd times for no reason)

What is it that’s holding me back? The Law of Responsibility? I already know what I did wrong in my relationships, I did this in the last book. I dealt with a lot of junk from the old relationships. I think I miss being around people, closely.  Not that I miss being in a relationship (sometimes I do) but I do miss having close contacts with people- friends.

I don’t know for sure, but I am going to meditate on it some more. I have been doing more journeying through my inner selves to help find what is at the matter and all I keep coming up with is loneliness combined with the aversion to relying too heavily on someone for support. I want a partnership – someone to share moments with and go to when I have problems, and someone to support when they have problems (I also want to feel useful to them). I know I have to be patient, wait for people I truly get along with to come along. I know the universe has this whole thing planned out and that a year from now, I will be reading this and smiling to myself at my petty problems. For now though, I feel the same as I did when I first had John. So isolated. No one to really talk to freely. Just my books, my thoughts, and the madness that grows stronger each day. (It sounds emo, but that’s how it feels)

Oh well, with Thanksgiving tomorrow, I need to exercise my fat ass – yay?

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