A lot of who I am has changed once again, but I think this is good 😀 I am more confident than I have been in a long time.
Concerning my mother: we have partially worked things out since she finally came out to me about what her mood is about- she is lonely and wants to be desired again. She feels ugly and is afraid she will die alone; which is something I can relate to. I can’t really HELP, which is frustrating, but I am being more understanding and giving her extra hugs ❤
Concerning me, school:I finally have pushed my World Lit grade up to a 93, WWWHOOO HHHHOOO …. I will not take my quiz grades for granted next semester! Computer Science is hovering at an 88 BUT he still is going to drop my lowest quiz grade (a 50, heh, again with the bad quiz grades) and we have an EASY OPEN BOOK FINAL!!! Bio 2 may be a B simply due to the Lab madness (lol, and bad quiz grades!) I did get the highest grade on the test in the class TWICE in lecture, so maybe that’ll help? I am keeping my fingers crossed for 3 As again since it would effin’ MAKE my winter!!!
kids: big bit is doing well with the ass-beating method- for those of you unfamiliar with this method it goes like this: 1- you misbehave at school I WILL BEAT YOUR ASS….2- you act a fool in the store I WILL BEAT YOUR ASS …..3- you won’t clean your room I WILL BEAT YOUR ASS….and so on. To clarify: up to this point I have tried everything- this is NOT my default, in fact I was abused as a child and STRONGLY dislike physical punishment as means of behavior modification. After trying what CRAP they taught me in parenting class- Love and Logic- which was supposed to nurture this person with a healthy self-esteem (they seem to think a self-absorbed person was healthy) and somehow shelter the child forever and ever from failure, the only real lessons in life. THEN I went the John Rosemond way (whom I still think is a parenting GOD, and still borrow heavily from) where I laid out consequences and maintained a benevolent dictatorship and very rarely spanked him. He acted like a crazy for quite some time, then evened out for a bit, back to crazy…. and so it went. Basically, I had to maintain such an insanely rigid structure that it became too heavy for me to bear. Then I operated under the idea that he was somehow mentally unstable since it was only under super rigid scheduling that he seemed to thrive. (This is typical of mental illness.) So I had him evaluated. They told me he was a lil nutty but mostly he was bored and smart. yay? I told the school and they stopped just short of snorting in laughter. So I, finally fed up with the battle that was my everyday, medicated him. AND IT WORKED. Unfortunately, I then became depressed since I was doing the very thing I had sworn I’d never do. I knew he didn’t need the meds, they just knocked out his awesome personality. He had no sense of humor. 😦 So I stopped earlier this year. He had A LOT of bad days, but after a long consult with his father, (he doesn’t put one little toe out of line over at his house) I think I finally got it. I was being a mommy without a daddy(if that makes sense) – it was like playing good cop, bad cop, without the bad cop LOL Well, not anymore- and he has straightened up quite a bit. And not a moment too soon, they were starting paperwork fro alternative school!
Little bit just turned 3 and I think he’s becoming ill- he wants to be held ALL THE TIME! His 3 yr old mood has hit, and he is in charge of the very existence of the world now….. heh. BUT he is oh so cute and sweet – 3 is such a fun age when they aren’t all whacked out like big bit was!
love: So I have a lot goin on here. I am still in love with one very nice man (if I do say so myself) but since he is unwilling to commit, I am still technically available- despite being unavailable emotionally to anyone I might meet. I did meet someone, and while I really enjoy him, I’m afraid it’ll go no further than that. I like the type of men other girls enjoy – the kind that pay for things and open doors, etc.- but they always unnerve me since I know they aren’t doing any of these things out of the kindness in their hearts, but out of the stirring in their loins! I much prefer the simplicity of a man who goes in halves. That way if he feels entitled to a piece of meat at the end of the evening, he can have his own if I’m not feeling it.
Anyhow, this second man, intrigues me in a way I haven’t been in a while. I am at best cautious, at worst guarded. I trust him to mind his business since he will not be here long, but I think if he were a permanent fixture, I might actually not feel exactly safe with him. He has fury in there- I can feel it- under all those smiles and jokes, he’s an angry angry person. Our compatible side is more on the physical plane (which is shallow) He’s good at conversing, but since I don’t trust him, it’s labored conversations. ( I suppose that once I trusted him, that would become easier) None the less, he has hit a cord and I plan on enjoying his company as long as he will allow it. As for the wolf, I suppose he is fine with me seeing this dog but perhaps not? No clue how he feels on it exactly, but if he has a problem, then maybe he should commit. (damn it I needed to tell him about my theory on temporary exclusivity)
spirit: Spiritually, I feel a bit freer and more restricted all at once. The x-mas season is upon us, and with it the shell of my former Christian life. What will I do? Still enjoy the hymns I used to sing knowing they sing of a false glory? I can’t. The Ave Maria and Emmanuel have lost their divinity in terms of their words. As pieces of music, they are still inspired and I still love them. What to do, what to do? I think the joyous part of this for me is I don’t feel bad for the tree or Santa (which is idol worship and paganism in the eyes of the church) so I am glad that I can celebrate in whatever way I choose!
The one thing I have settled on is that I like x-mas, as long as it doesn’t include Jesus so much. AND I frickin like the lights and all that jazz, so why not! If anything, this leaves me open to going with some jewish bits too!
Other wise, I am healing my spirit one meditation at a time, one chakra balancing exercise at a time…. I have found my meaning of existence, and I will follow it till it needs mending.
Diet: I will be starting the countdown, with mom, tomorrow (wish me luck). I have made some amendments to my program to help her specifically, since she is not losing weight like I would have hoped. I hope she has learned her lesson from counting calories!!! So …. 3 meals, a minimum of 5 1/2 hours apart, 30 g protein in the morning, and plenty of B and D vitamins! Add a lil A. Carnantine and probiotics, and you have yourself a success cocktail. I hope to lose the rest by my birthday, which is totally do-able! I just HAVE TO get my ass to Pilates 3 days a week and get my ass to the gym here at the complex the rest of the days of the week! I need to remember IT IS ONLY AN HOUR but it makes all the difference in how my metabolism works! This is something I ought to write more about since I really have had quite a bit of success with my weight loss, and WILL get down to 120 DAMN IT!
heh, wow…. I need a therapist maybe…. that’s a LOT of words!