Am I Caught in a Cosmic Joke?

I got an e-mail from Debbie Ford today, and I think now that school is out, I may want to do more shadow work. I have several things going on with me right now which I am not satisfied with and wish to change. I still do a lot of denying and have this unquenchable loneliness. Anyhow, I am trying to do things to solve this, but here’s the message – I really liked it!

We’re getting close to the beginning of what I believe is going to be the best year of your life. But before you begin cleansing your consciousness and embarking on this journey, there is a truth that you must remember: All suffering is rooted in misperception.

Maybe you believe that life should be better than it is. You may believe that you should be more, better, and different than the way you are, and you probably expect others to be more, better, and different than they are. This is the mindset that causes you to get on the proverbial treadmill and chase one more thing in the outer world that promises to give you inner satisfaction and fill the hole of the hungry ghost. But it is a cosmic joke, a twisted paradox because if you really do find something to fill the hole for a while, you will be seduced into believing that you can fill the hole from the outside in. Then you are sucked in, for what seems like an eternity, to trying to find the next quick fix to satisfy the hole in your soul. On the other hand, if you do not find the thing to fill the hole, you are tricked into believing that you will be satisfied the moment you do find that one thing out there that will fill it for a while. So in a sense, you are screwed either way. You are damned if you do, and doomed if you do not, to living a life of wanting and waiting for the great fulfillment that will come when the endless hole gets filled.

This is why you must stop, take a breather, cleanse your consciousness of these misperceptions, and remind yourself that this outer journey is really an inner calling. The call is to return home to the limitless, expansive pool of divine oneness, which is the only spiritual food that will satisfy the eternal emptiness that plagues your human existence and fills the hole of the hungry ghost. Until you open your eyes to what lies beneath the surface of the self that you know, you will have to continue the exhausting chase for more, better, and different than what you already have or are. Does this sound familiar? Do you ever experience this?

Your chase won’t end until you find and reclaim your golden essence and allow yourself to step into the gigantic expression of your soul’s unique journey. That is what this next year is about. If you don’t do that, you will have to try to fit into a life that is too small, too confining, and too limiting for your soul’s fulfillment. You deserve better.”

I will be doing the shadow thing she assigned before 2010: “Make a list of all the places you are still suffering, living too small or repeating a bad habit of your past. Today is the day to say, “Enough is enough.” Declare this day to be a demarcation, etched in stone, of the turning of the tide. After you’ve made your list, do a ritual — rip it up into tiny shreds, flush it down the toilet, burn it safely. Let it go.”

I need to let some things that I constantly beat myself with go. I am trying to fill this hole I have with other people, and no one will be able to do that for me. SO not fair to anyone! Till later, I shall be back with more Law of Responsibility!

So I won’t be making a literal list, instead I’ll be doing it on here to hopefully look back on as a check list of things I no longer need to work on daily- things I have progressed from.

Areas where I am dissatisfied with myself or my life:

I am still very lonely, and I hate feeling like I “need” anyone.This hit here recently. I began wanting to just walk and hold hands with. VERY unlike me to want these things. I suppose I have been hiding this part of myself, buring it becasue I feared being dependent on someone else’s affection would somehow make me weak.

I haven’t done as well in school as I would have liked.I may have gotten all As, I don’t know yet. It all hinges on my final exams. It PISSES ME OFF that I neglected my school work simply in favor of daydreaming about what could never be. Next semester I have to have my head in the game not in bed. heh. I WILL NOT allow this anymore!

I was unable to conquer my desires, and equally unable to let certain desires go. This is part of the daydreaming. Because I let my desires get the best of me, I spent more time suppressing what I want. Denial is still very much a part of me. The second part of this was that I didn’t realize at a certain point that my desires were not going to happen and that it was time to let them go and seek out the new. This I am solving now. I am cleaning house and am sure it will provide a better life in the long term.

I feel I am failing my children. My older son has been having serious problems in school with his behavior and I, for the life of me, don’t know what to do. I feel like giving up most of the time and giving him to my ex. But I know that won’t solve it since my ex is even less equip to handle his issues. I want to figure it out, but at this point I am sticking my head in the sand. I’m so tired of him and in truth, I don’t love him like a mother should love a child. That undying love I have for the younger son is not there with the older. A side effect of having a kid too early: no proper bonding. I wont say I hate him, but he annoys me. Immidiately when I had him I got the feeling like he wasn’t quite right. I got that instinct I can only associate with the instinct mother dogs feel to abandon one of their puppies- usually the runt. But we are not animals, and I, unfortunately, can’t get out of this. If he needs some major help where I will be imprisoned, I don’t know if I can provide the sort of support he will need.

I still am unable to see certain beutiful aspects of myself – romantic and kind particularly.

I keep looking for a part of myself in someone else, but am not sure what it is. How am I to acknowledge it, if I don;t even know what I’m looking for?

I still am socially awkward, say things meant to stay in my head and project my short-comings onto others.



Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s