To Thine Own Self Be True

So I know I haven’t really been back on my self-healing and introspection so I got back on here in the past few days. It’s about to be 2010 and I need to further myself if I am ever to become the whole person I long to be.

So this is another part of The Law of Responsibility- taking responsibility for our own lives make us stronger, more free to make the choices that benefit us, rather than reactions to past unhealed wounds.

Here we go-

1) For the sake of keeping this entry under 10,000 words I will only list a few of the characteristics that irritated or hurt me in both of my long term relationships –

Both were liars

Jeremy abandoned me

Both required a level of submission.

Both always believed they were right even in the face of their wrongness.

Both ARE stubborn.

Both wanted to be taken care of like a child.

Neither kept a job.

Neither had higher aspirations for the future other than to make head fry-cook.

Both made a point of holding onto things to throw in my face later on, used cutting words.

Both were emotionally unavailable and if pushed, rejected me.

2) linking it to childhood- Most of these PROBABLY have something to do with my unresolved Daddy issues at the time. I’m not saying I’m OVER it all, because seriously, who can get over a rough childhood completely by 22?

My mother lied extensively about the world- and her actions specifically. I didn’t know I had a grandfather on that side ’til I was 13. My father didn’t lie as much as he was so ignorant that he told me untrue things. I felt he lied most of the time.

My dad abandoned me. He dropped me off one weekend night as if it were any other weekend, and never took another visitation. I was 12.

Both required a level of submission. Duh, I was a child. BUT here’s the difference: When I was 11 or 12 – the last Christmas I spent with my dad- I came home to my mother’s home to find she had taken everything out of my room and I now had no belongings of my own. She gave me a small gold box with a green bow- it had coal in it. I was the almighty YOU WILL SUBMIT! Little did she know, it caused me to rebel since it implied she didn’t give a shit about me as a person.

Both always believed they were right even in the face of their wrongness. heh. Both my parents are still this way. My father is married to a woman who won’t tell her son I am his sister. He is wrong the majority of the time on so many fronts, but will never admit to it. My mom is beginning to see her wrongs, but ultimately she won’t accept a more optimistic view. Her pessimism will be why she will be alone for the rest of her life.

Both ARE stubborn. Dad- stubbornly sticks to what he knows and denies the truth even if it is right in front of his nose. Mom – stubbornly suspicious of all people, thinks they are all out to get her. I will add one BUT in here- my mother’s suspicion has served her and myself well since just because you are suspicious doesn’t mean they AREN’T all out to get you. Her ability to sniff out a fake, liar, or cheat is amazing and I adore her for it.

Both wanted to be taken care of like a child. Neither was taken care of as a child, so it follows they both want to be babied. Different ways though. Dad wants the mom that will wake him up and make his food while letting him be a “big boy” sometimes and make some (guided) decisions. Mom wants someone to make the decisions and I think a certain part of her wants to feel safe enough to be held so she can just weep. 😦 She has never been free to be weak.

My dad had trouble keeping a job. He was and is VASTLY incompetent. But it erks me since I still hold to man-as-breadwinner ideas. Maybe that’s wrong, but that’s how I see it. A man that can’t keep a job is nothing to me. Instability is unacceptable.

My dad did not have higher aspirations for the future other than to make head fry-cook. Actually he wanted to own a bait shop by a lake. I’m not kidding. For a girl like me, and I’m guessing my mom was the same way, who wants to conquer the world- this kind of man IS NOT desirable. There is something to be said for tranquility, but you can only coast when you’re going downhill. I only go up.

Both made a point of holding onto things to throw in my face later on, used cutting words. I was called ugly or useless everyday of my life till I was 11. Later my mom would compare me to my ignorant father or in her straight manneredness hurt me since I looked up to her so much. Most of the time growing up I regretted ever having been born. If they hated me so much, why did they keep me? I was a habitual run-away.

Both were emotionally unavailable and if pushed, rejected me. My parents had a son before I was born who was stillborn. I think the emotional toll they paid so shortly before conceiving me made them unable or unwilling to commit to me and my existence. Perhaps fear of getting attached to another child only to bury them kept them away. Who knows? The result is the same. I wanted love and acceptance. I didn’t get it so I tried everything I knew (as a child) to get what I needed. In the end, my dad took off when I was 12 and my mom kicked my out at 15. Stellar job guys, so glad I failed those suicide attempts!

3) Where in my life have I displayed these qualities?

Liar – I was a HUGE liar until I was 18 or so. Don’t know what happened but I just stopped. I would lie about things that didn’t even matter just to have some control. If I had gone to Wal-Mart, I’d say I went to Target. Just cause, no reason really.

Abandoner – Maybe emotionally I abandoned my older son. I left Phillip with nothing, but he knew it was coming – I told him and all. The emotional abandonment I think is more what I do. If I feel I am getting beaten on too much in a relationship, I jump ship.

Requiring a level of submission – I am a dictator with my kids, but I feel they need the structure. This is one that I think I’m pretty good at recognizing when I am like this. And stopping it. I ask the world to submit to my will but not without work on my part. I never as for submission without some on my part as well.

Always believing I am right even in the face of my wrongness. LOOK AT MY MARRIAGE! OMG WHAT A FRICKIN TRAIN WRECK! Where was my head? In the sand, that’s where. When everyone was saying “YOUR LIFE IS ON FIRE!!” I wasn’t paying attention.

Stubbornness. I am this very much. I am unwilling to give on certain things. I NEVER get back together with someone once broken up. I ALWAYS think that honesty is the best policy. I always want my way, and will do just about anything to get it. 😉

Wanting to be taken care of like a child. I tend to my mother’s version of this- I want to be held so I can just cry. I want the permission to be unapologetically me. I don’t need anyone to wake me up or cook – though i won’t turn down the offer. 😉

Keeping a job. The longest I’ve held a job is like 6 months….. nuff said.

Aspirations for the future other than to make head fry-cook. This is my greatest fear. There is a part of me that wishes I could just live with my mom and go to school forever though since the real world is so insanely hard and it has all these people that you don’t know and they may not… like me.

Making a point of holding onto things to throw in the face later on, using cutting words. I have done this, and it feels awful. I try not to anymore, ever. It’s disrespectful on a human level, and very very hurtful.

Emotionally unavailable and if pushed, rejecting. I am this right now in fact. If someone starts requiring too much, I get away. I don’t mean to but it’s almost become habit since in the past I lacked the time, patience, and give-a-shit to learn someone and their life. This is what I’m working on, not that I want to be the missing puzzle piece to someone.

4) My judgments on each:

Liars: Liars as about as valuable as the lies they tell. They do not care about you or anyone else, only themselves and they will cut you emotionally. They are usually up to no good since they have to have something to lie about right?

Abandoners: Again SELFISH. We all have responsibilities in this world, and it is not or duty as mush as our privilege to try and live up to their demands. We have this life, and we have to do what we have to do. Someone who runs is nothing more than a selfish coward that ought to be shot.

Submission requirement: Those who require submission usually don’t feel so good about themselves and need others to be lower so that they can be higher. They have low self-esteem and have nothing better to do with that than push others down. Again- shot!

Always believing they were right even in the face of their wrongness: People who do this are ignorant generally. They can’t see the mirror and hide from the truth. It will find them.

Stubborn: Immature babies. Gotta give to get no? This also seems like the person who will not listen to anyone else’s point of view. Is not considerate of people’s feelings. Doesn’t care.

Wanting to be taken care of like a child: see stubborn. Immaturity. Lack of personal strength and independence.

Not keeping a job: Loser. In all ways and shapes.

Not having higher aspirations for the future other than to make head fry-cook: again, loser. Lacking in confidence. Perhaps thinks they CANT become anything, which is crap.

Making a point of holding onto things to throw in the face later on, using cutting words: How little and disrespectful! Doesn’t care about others, or being dignified them self. Low. Ignorant.

Emotionally unavailable and if pushed, rejecting: Injured, incomplete people. The emotionally unavailable are like that from a lack of resources. Resources for emotions are hard to come by.

Okay, so 2000 words…. not so bed eh?

I tried to keep it short with just my thoughts BASICALLY. I still have one more section to go with this law before I move on to Choice. yay?

But don’t think I’ve been sitting on my thumbs- I’ve been reading other things on how to choose people who are into me instead of these ones who aren’t (for whatever reason, since I am golden omg!) 😉

Till next time~ love and cherish the people around you because you never know which words will be your last.

Hollie

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2 thoughts on “To Thine Own Self Be True

  1. Hmmm, a frank discussion I wonder as you take a look inside if you will come to terms with yourself.Such a wonderful woman you seem to my humble self.Is it possible you have forgotten to forgive yourself for some percieved wrong?Do what your heart tells you to and don’t get lost in there I enjoy reading your discussions with yourself…..

  2. WHAT IS THIS JABBERWOCKY? WHERE IS THE FOOD? NONSENSE.

    You indeed have lived a rough life. Your words portray a deeper picture, one that I am more aware of now when it comes to you. Of course, I still keep my vow of neutrality so the act of Judgement won’t come from me. I do think though there are a lot of issues still lingering with in you, perhaps like a reverberation or annoying buzz that won’t go away. Unfortunately, these are issues that you dealt with at an age which one should not have to deal with. Still, your desire and will to survive is stronger– even though you probably sometimes wish to ex your existence out. Not sure if you still do or do not.

    I can see now why it is you may question existence, wonder the purpose behind the path. One small piece of advice I can offer to help you find that is to clear your eyes, to wash the dirt and mud of the past clouding them now. Perhaps then what you are searching for may manifest.

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