As of late, I have been especially frisky. My excesses have become such that I feel as though my soul has become empty. It seems like it’s so easy for other people to find significant others and yet if it were that easy then we wouldn’t have all these dating services, books, and groups designed to help people find someone or keep someone.
I have been alone for 3 1/2 years now. My divorce was painful. I was abandoned prior to it, but have dealt with those issues. I have two beautiful boys, but am not looking for a replacement dad. I’ve had a friend tell me the kids are why men stay away- that I am in fact beautiful, intelligent, and great in the sack. But why? When men have children, do women stay away? No, he gets to play loving Daddy, and be a hero. How come when a single mother like me goes out into the world we are seen as irresponsible hookers?
I know that I don’t really want someone who thinks that way at all, even if I weren’t in the role I’m in now. But first impressions are key. If someone has only known the one kind of single mother, then how are they ever to be open to getting to know me?
What has become bothersome is that I now have many friends, who I not only sleep with but also do other things with like movies and such, but not a one ever says “you know, this is great, but I want more” No one is playing for keeps. I’m a great girl to hang out with and go to movies, but not to fall in love with, no, that is reserved for the girls who won’t put out. Why hide that I like to have sex? To deny my urges is still a denial of myself. A sexless existence for me is a sad existence. I have gone without to try and smother out the animal nature in me, but it just resulted in depression and a lot of masturbation. I am safe about my dealings, I don’t see the harm in having sex with whoever I want and is also willing. In a relationship I have the capacity to be loyal to a fault, so I do not carry this over when committed. Either way, I have gone back into my cave, back into myself, for further evaluation. I ponder the deepness to which I can feel. I ponder my ability to understand where others are coming from. I ponder my own mental stability.
For now at least, I shall bury myself in my work. School and the children will take my mind off the pain I hope. Besides’ someone good always shows up when I am focused on other things. I need to have a full life without someone – in fact, the absence of that other person means I could have an even fuller life of other things. Pure focus is what I’m going for. Not that I want to be mechanical but I do want to run like a well oiled machine.
My horoscope mentioned trying to forgive, and my tarot concurred. Today I think I will think about who I have to forgive. My father has been forgiven, he didn’t even have the capacity to know what his sins were. My ex-husband -forgiven, I know he means well, but we just couldn’t have ever worked. Myself? Do any of us truly forgive ourselves? I know I don’t and I’m not sure I ever will.
Things to muse on for the day… while I make quiche. 😀