I’ve become skiddish around the edges as I turn back into my former self, back to the mother and student I am during the school semesters. I have gotten my wildness out and I think it is time. Time to…..what?
Anyone of interest I’ve found during this break is moving away or has other things I cannot ignore. So much for this search, so much for this loneliness I try to cure. In the end it isn’t the lack of a partner that makes me feel empty but the search for one I’ve found, makes me empty and even more lonely. So I am tossing aside the search for now.
I have a position in my organization that is opening up (hopefully, most likely, for me) and I intend to pursue it with all my spirit. I need to really focus this semester as it is my last before graduation. I want to also obtain a more important role in the same organization for next year, since my studies will be light and I will have the time to offer.
I want to read more. I read two philosophy books this break, and while they offered all they could the heart of the matter is this: Spiritual Divorce is wasted on me since I am indeed over it. I always questioned if that really was the case, but going through that book and reading how I need to deal with this or that… I don’t need to. It’s buried already. I end up applying it to other people in my life. Helps, but I need to use the right tool for the job.
The other book I read was intended as light reading, which it succeeded at. At only 300 pages it was an easy read and offered some basic ways for me to eliminate the excess fat on my dating life. Men who aren’t that into me should not just be hanging around waiting for someone to break my heart so they can swoop down into my pants. 😀 interesting visual to say the least.
I want to get into more spiritual philosophy. I want to know why I am the way I am. I know ME. That’s why I am fine when I have my wild bursts in the winter. I feel lonely because of the holidays, then school gets out and I spend a week (or more) drunk. And then I go a little wild, and then I settle just as school starts back. I won’t be able to do this forever. LET ME HAVE THIS. hahaha
Either way, I can feel my soul is hurting. I’m depressed and I’m not sure why. I know I’m pretty, smart, determined, ambitious… etc. but I just can’t pinpoint what I need to move my life forward.
I have become nervous. Nervous at the prospect of getting a real job next summer. Nervous at dating. Nervous at playing with the kids. Just….nervous. Depression and nervousness don’t mix well, I’m bound to become a recluse. So I push myself out, and I’m fine when I’m out – really. I enjoy people, mostly, and like to go do things.
I don’t know where I’m going here, but who does?