Certainly Uncertain

Where do I go from here? This isn’t where I intended to be….

Recently I’ve lost my way, unsure and antsy about what to now I’ve become uncertain of myself and my path. This is all so new. While I’ve always been unsure of others and the outside world, sometimes unsure of my own inner workings, I’ve never been unsure about my path – what is my next step.

I will graduate in June majorless. What do I want to do? With my life, with my living situation…. It’s all so unbearable. The recent friction with my mom has shown me that this isn’t where I belong. I will never be the daughter she wants – no – deserves. My role as replacement child is that of a constant failure. I cannot make up for William. It’s truly strange – ever since I was small I felt his memory hovering, but I had no idea that it would carry on this long.

I don’t like her. Everyone loves their mother because that’s their mother, but as far as a person – I don’t like her. I long some days to be somewhere else…. somewhere just me and my younger son. Some where far away doing something I love to do. But what is that? Who else is there? Would I really ever be happy without my older son? Can I be happy with him? My failure on his part is the most glaring sometimes.

I wrote a letter to him when he was just a few months old. Apologizing for my selfishness in keeping him. I knew it was wrong even then. He deserves so much more, none of which I can ever dream of offering. I had him young, REALLY young … barely 16 and I knew everything. Those were the days. I knew what I was going to do and where I was going to go. Now I’m scared. But scared of what? The darkness? Growing cynicism? Love?

It was easier when I had opponents. I was always fighting someone or something. Batman wouldn’t have been nearly as exciting if it hadn’t been for the villans.  But now all I have is myself. I’m fighting my own existence. I’m losing.

So many things I’ve put off writing because I needed to process them first but now I’m finding that these things that keep me awake or asleep for unreasonable amounts of time aren’t going to be processed. I have to choose a way. BUT HERE IS THE THING: I don’t know. I just…. don’t know.

That’s all I know here alone, in the dark at 2 AM …. John is snoring, big boy is asleep on the couch, my mom coughs and blows her nose in the other room. … I suppose I have a couple friends in this world but not many. No, not really any at all for a long time.

Death wouldn’t be so bad if it weren’t for the whole dying part. If I could choose to just blink out of existence, I’d do it. Unfortunately I’d have to have some level of discomfort in the whole process, which I’m not fond of. Maybe. Perhaps. One day. Who knows. It’s selfish I know but I’m just so sad all the time, and the feeling never leaves me. I’ve learned that that’s not what people want to hear so smile, look happy. Pretend. But the agony is getting heavier as I look at myself and what a terrible failure I’ve become. I hate it all so much. John is what keeps me going now. I couldn’t bear to be away from him and I know how attached he is to me. He is my only joy in this world. So I live….

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