I love you

Today is an odd day. As I feel the breeze hit my face, I have a sudden clarity about my life. I want to design buildings, and then I want to build them. I want to live somewhere else in Texas still and come home to a loving family – namely a husband. It never dawned on me that when I imagine my future, a husband is included. Kindly, I filled the role in my mind with the various male people I know Each has their own charm, but one specifically stands out. It’s odd to me how humor is the biggest factor in whom I choose. What things I ponder on a spring day….
I think a person can love another based on their merits and not be IN LOVE with them. So I am basing my declarations on that. I am not naming the people I am taken by at the moment but they are in a sort of order, despite Two being the closest to my heart at the moment. Either way, here is why I love them.
I love how if I place both my hands together – thumb to thumb and forefinger to forefinger – it lines up with the design of the tattoo on your chest exactly. It makes it seem like I am the key since I fit so perfectly. I love how you sing in your car, sometimes off key, but every bit as passionate about the song. Knowing you don’t sing well doesn’t spoil the fun in the activity; instead it makes it even funner since it adds humor. I love the way you walk. You have a confident air about your strut which is why your ringtone is “Stray Cat Strut” I couldn’t believe how perfect that song was for you. I love how random your thoughts are but all very true. I love how the things you observe about people, even if you object to them, you don’t judge them for being that way. You pity the emotionally blind. I love how you fit in my arms. I love how you look at me, as if lost in a daze…. I love how when we make love you make me feel as if I am the only one …ever. I love the twinkle you get in your eye that means I will most certainly love what’s coming next. I love how you know what I want to see, where I want to go, what I want to do before I do. I love how you accept things at face value and don’t push things around to suit just your needs or desires. I love the way you kiss me. I love that I can respect you for who you are and expect the same in return. I love the way you smell. I love how you make it seem to me that anything is possible – even Discworld. Sometimes it seems to me that you are actually a dream. That I will wake up here at some point and you will have vanished. I love how I could see coming home to you (or with you, however) and being content and calm. But at the same time I don’t want to change that free bachelor man you are, I’m so afraid that I will make you feel trapped, caged by the responsibilities of a family … that’s not even yours. I know you would bear it gladly but I will have none of that. Men who have lived as you have lived and have still turned out as sweet as you have deserve something better than me. So I may love you for so many reasons all of which I can’t hardly touch since I haven’t the room for it all…. But I know our clock is ticking.
From a note in class: Why can’t I get your eyes out of my mind? The taste of your lips, the smell of your skin – intoxicating – It’s like even now I long for you. I’m lost in your hair, running my fingers through it in my mind – your single grey curling out of a lock behind your left ear. The swirl of your chest hair on the right side, the way the small of you back cracks and I make it better with a massage and lotion. The smell of cucumber and melon and your skin. Sweetness.
The way you play with “Jack” and get goofy. The way you are what you are and seem completely accepting of it. The way you don’t struggle with the idea of risk, but instead know that risks are what life is all about – without them, we cease to live. The way I miss you when you’re gone and feel my soul rest when you come back. I’m delusional. And stupid.
The way you bite my lip and your eyes light up. The way I can make you laugh and you can do the same. The way you love to drive and name your car. The way you have named parts of me (lol). The way you joke about people but never fail to remember their humanity. You still have compassion. The way you don’t sweat the small stuff and allow everyday problems to wash over you, almost like you are untouchable. You don’t worry about being perfect cause you know you never will be, you just want happiness. The way you strive, your ambition – and to a degree – your big headedness. Your confidence. The way you touch me. The look on your face when I surprise you. The way you wonder about the same things I have often wondered about and you seemingly know the answers. The way you pursue answers. Your relentlessness. The way you’ve an open mind. The way I feel free to be myself around you. The way you encourage me, make me feel important and offer sound honest advise – especially when I don’t want to hear it. The way you’re always right. The way you love to go do things, the way you make me smile. I love the way you always act so cocky but then pull me in and kiss me deep. I love how your eyes can speak to me better than you lips. Alas you too shall disappear at some point as well for we have one fatal flaw – different cultures. While familiar acceptance is obviously not my whole world, it does remain very important. I’m sure to you too. So as long as I remain a dirty little secret, I will grow more and more silent… that’s what secrets do…


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