At night the cool earth sinks into my skin, recharging my soul. (I breathe out) I feel the core move, the crust shift, and time press onward. The crickets sing in the symphony of mating season. Alas I cannot have my love either.(I breathe in) A small animal disrupts a twig or a group of leaves and I with my eyes closed ponder the possibility of me appearing as a snack. I allow my mind – just for a second – to wander into the life of this simple creature who knows the basis for humanity. It has something I have lost and I am there to retrieve it. Perhaps it is a rabbit – or an armadillo. A small coyote or raccoon would sound heavier, produce a heavier rustling as it scavenged – but all things are possible (I breathe out). Low to the ground I imagine it has the smell of moist grass in it’s nostrils, the cool earth below its padded bare feet, claws dug in with black dirt under its nails. (I breathe in) It moves with freedom, unconcerned about its larger purpose or what its doing here. A freedom I know sparing moments of. Hunger drives its search, not ambition. (I breathe out) It spent the day sleeping in some hole somewhere, a tree perhaps, the sound of the passing cars lulling it deeper into its slumber. The emptiness of its stomach woke it rousing into consciousness and maybe taking a drink from the creek. Now it was sniffing, searching for food. (I breathe in) What I must look like laying there in the grass! My arms spread wide and legs as well… I sink deeper into my mother, my dirt, my earth. I am a rock, I am water. I am dust. I let my limbs fall heavy and sink farther in. I slow my heart, breathe out slowly, and open my eyes.
The blank sky, an indicator of where I now reside. How I miss the stars! (I breathe in) I compare my memory of stars to other places I have been. I once stayed up all night with my sister (smoking when we were kids) watching the moon rise and fall, the birds wake up not long after the raccoons had given up on our garbage cans. Out in Sedona I remember the view of all the stars the very first time I had been far enough away to really see them all. Christmas lighted black blanket as it was, clouds of dusty blue streaks… (I breathe out) Now I see a lone plane streaking the sky with one pale white stream and wander again to the people aboard. Their destination awaits the eagerly I am sure, where ever it is. (I breathe in) They are going on vacation, taking a break from their busy lives of kids, schedules, and work. Maybe they are moving – starting fresh from their monotonous lives. They are going to college, going to dear Auntie Suzanne’s funeral, to their loved one’s side, to be by themselves…. (I breathe out)
The sweet breeze brushes my cheeks – the tender embrace of nature shifts my soul and I sink lower. I am a blade of grass, a dandelion. I close my eyes and listen to the sway of a nearby tree. I breathe in, smelling the crispness of the night, the damp dew rising off the grass around my ears – too bad about that hint of car exhaust. The breeze swells and the bare tree brushes against itself like jousting bucks. This doe wanders off ….(I breathe out)
I feel my heart slow as the wind covers me in a silky blanket. Cars are passing a nearby bridge steadily now. The imperfections make a tap tap sound as the first row of tires hit, then the second. my heart speeds up to match the rhythm …tap tap….tap tap… tap tap…. (I breathe in) The intervening silence enlivens the crickets once more creating alternating hums. Feeling my pulse rise, I contemplate my chakras, meditate on the flames of energy rising colorfully into the wind. (I breathe out) Deeply embedded now I feel the ground beneath me. I practice my visualization as I know to do – from red to purple i slowly concentrate on that specific part and what it means. I am my own blood moving through my blood vessels (I breathe in).
I am on the elevator in my mind, going down. But where to? There was an elevator attendant in here wasn’t there? I am lost in an interrupting visual. Why am I wearing this fluffy dress? Down down down the elevator doesn’t stop. The slender window shows layers of colored dirt with bright flashes between so bright I can tell the elevator is old. The yellowed walls hardly show until the sun hits. Then I stop, the elevator doesn’t make a sound, but opens. There is a wood outside. Not the Bambi happy wood but not a scary place either. I walk a path downward, past morning doves and mushrooms – down the path where the wood clears into a lakeside. A single bench sits unoccupied. I sit in my fluffy pink dress. (who knows the workings of the subconscious?) I gaze at the lake, the setting sun reflecting reds and oranges along the rippling surface. A woman appears next to me – doesn’t walk up but just blinks into existence. I don’t turn immediately since this is no surprise to me. When I do face her, she is me – but different. She is who I want to be, she is my wholeness. Behind her is her counterpart the evil parts of me. I reflect in their eyes for a moment. Then I as “What do I need to know? What is it that you’ve brought me here to tell me?”
In unison: Just Be.
All the while I can still feel the cool earth, wind… hear the crickets’ song, the cars tapping along the ill leveled road. I open my eyes and breathe out, glad to be free of their penetrating eyes. I have however not come out with nothing – I am going to be. Be Happy. Be Myself. Be Good. (okay, maybe a little less of the last one, but I’m sure the world will manage)