So while I have another post in the works – it’s not coming to fruition like I had hoped… It keeps…. moving. I dunno, it’s hard to explain. I thought I’d do a bit of getting my mind clean so that maybe MAYBE I would be able to sleep. I miss sleep.
Yesterday night I tried to watch some shows on Hulu. Documentaries and what not. I learned a lot about corn and was still wide awake. I cleaned my kitchen since it’s very good for positive energies. Especially the stove (TAKE NOTE!) Wrote a paper on my nutrition which was anticlimactic. Yep. Buncha stuff I already knew. Thanks for the edukatin’! A particularly difficult friend of mine came over since I couldn’t sleep. I sleep better with someone close by. I don’t know if it’s from sharing a bed with someone the entire time I was growing up, but I just know a warm body helps … a lot. He willingly offered his (not without his own motives of course). It’s the first time in my life that hasn’t worked. I didn’t want to be in a bed with him. It felt wrong. I knew I was just sleeping, but … I just felt sad. (the smell of a triangle and 6 lines floating through my head didn’t assist in this) So I was up. He, being a gentleman (LMFAO) got up as well, smoked and asked my what the tears were for. “Somethings I need to keep for myself” I told him. And I have. And I will. There have been two people I have known in my life who brought me to tears just by the memory of their features. I can add another now. (yay?) If anything it only adds to my nervousness, and quite the opposite. I have been doubting my self knowledge all along, and it is usually the moment I least expect it that the truth is there. Some people I find so earth shatteringly beautiful (inside and out, and inside weighted heavier) that I have no choice but to sit in awe of them and shatter (partially) when circumstances cause us to be apart. But that is for now. “Why do you want to leave me?” he asked. “Now now, you know I can’t stay here.” I am meant to fly.
“You know if you were my wife, I’d never let you go…ever.”
All this talk of love and feelings has grown tiresome to me. There is a part of me that wants to go back to writing about the basis of humanity. What ARE we? Why do we DO these things? But what I think may actually be needed here is some reflection inward. Why have I caused this problem? What is the right way to proceed now?
Most of all, I just want to BE.