Sometimes there are nights like these when I can’t sleep. I’ve been in this new city- nay- this new world for 3 weeks? 2 weeks? and it feels so strange. I see street names that I associate with other places and feel as though I’m an alien in my own town. At the same time I’ve never been happier in my relationship and in my home.
As of late I seem to be suffering from a reoccurence of my insecurities. Maybe because of the newness of my surroundings or my thirst t prove myself worthy of all it has to offer, I feel insufficient. I’ve bearly begun to look for a job here and already I feel a hunger to get something – ANYTHING- just to feel like I am contributing in a way one can show on paper. I know this is not the most important way one can contribute, but somehow since I haven’t been allowed to contribute in this way in over 3 years, I feel it is most important now.
How simple having an understanding and loving partner is. I trouble him too much with my silly feminine birdy brain! Worry and feelings- pah! I need to stop this nonsense and just relax and be happy for a change instead of thinking it a temporary release from anguish. The fear that something, yet unknown, will swoop in and snatch this oasis from my clutches consumes me, and yet I need not be reminded of the good old self-fulfilling prophecy. Perhaps more reading is a cure I ought to seek out – more philosophy. Reading things I was not allowed to read has been a goal for a long time, and now may be the time to seek these works which I’ve been so wrongly kept from out.
Whatever the case, I am adamant that I cease this silliness before I doom my own relationship further! Using my higher brain will have to be my savior for now since my emotions are weak. Usually, I have relied on my feeling to keep me grounded and my logic to predict and act. Now, I may need to switch things up a slight bit. Submitting to the judgement of others has never been a strong suit of mine, and now with looking for a job, it is my mainstay. I WILL succeed since there is no other choice in my mind. I WILL succeed because I have failed before, and now I know.
So much life I’ve lived in 23 years….. I think the main problem now is fighting the fatigue that has set in with fighting. But why fight when I think with him, I’ve already won?
*thoughts of a dying atheist*