poke…..poke poke

I don’t know why I feel like I am not an equal partner in this house. I need to read and re-evaluate what is wrong with my hidden fears. I know a little bit of what is going on, and I’ll do my best to write on them and process them. 1) I am scared that he is going to wake up tomorrow and realize he doesn’t want to marry me, let alone live with me. 2) I’m scared to move forward because I don’t want to create something he will regret later – I don’t want to be a mistake, or create a child he sees as a mistake.  3) I am scared I am doing something really really wrong with my kids. Allowing them to get attached to another man, another role model only to have it not work out. 4) Attempting to write the essay for my Texas A&M application has thrust the realization that I don’t in fact know what I’m doing with my life and I don’t have much to offer that institution or anyone really. 5) I’m worried that I am becoming depressed just because I don’t have a job or anything to do, which then feeds into the feeling of worthlessness that goes back into my fears about my relationship.

While considering if I should jump ship and be alone (thinking about how much trouble we have brought into he life because of just added responsibility) I also considered a couple things, and while they were mushy they are valid in my mind. I started remembering the first time I traveled 200+ miles to see this stranger … how my first instinct with him was to caress his skin and kiss him deeply…  I pushed it all down because I had settled into the idea of being alone for the next 15 years or so (until my younger son is grown) and I didn’t want to face that I might love someone or worse – they might love me.  I am confident I will never find a better match. We have minor issues but to my knowledge we have never really fought (it is a bit early though) He is very smart and I love him more than any words can describe. When I am upset just him being there soothes me.  It seems so unlike me but it’s like when I gaze into his eyes, I can stay there forever, lost in his eyes and his face. To touch him is a meditation, to kiss him, a trance.  I thought about how much he cares and how much joy we could have.  I thought it all through. I am doing this out of my own self-esteem issues and frankly it isn’t fair to him. If I am dead set on not hurting him, I need to frickin stop it then! He feels so deeply for me and my boys and we love him like he is our own (cause he is) and my dramatic ass needs to settle down and stop questioning why the ground holds me up, or why water is wet. It just is so let it be. Stop picking the scab.

At the same time I have developed this curiosity about his former love (he was engaged before) I know I really shouldn’t bother, and I’m not threatened by her at all…. I just wonder how he was, as a person, at that point in his life. It’s interesting to me. I want to know who this woman was, that he would have married her (i’m sure she has good and bad qualities like everyone does, but still i wonder) I have not chosen to pursue this curious itch since sometimes there are questions you don’t  REALLY want the answer to.

My older child has been rebelling since we have moved. I understand, everything is new. We are starting all over again and this time with a new man to boot.  We were having a good old fashioned war of wills here until I thought it through and decided to inform both parties that the man dance was over. My poor love got really upset, I think because he felt I was undermining him but really my number one fear is that he will prematurely turn himself into the evil step dad. He is far too kind hearted for that! 2 main things I need to remember – he needs to be told every now and then that he is doing something well, and he does sometimes need to be reminded that they are kids. They are going to test your patience and wear you out-  but it is NO BIGGIE! Whether to ground him for a day or week is not going to have a major difference in whether he becomes a Harvard grad or an ax murderer….. I hope!

My little one has been cleaning up (so to speak) in the meantime – he’s been extra good so he can get double goodies! My little one is definitely my little love and getting so big!

Speaking of which – I pulled out my own IUD the other day and am giving my honey a chance this cycle to knock me up. But just this one (I don’t like the idea of being 8 or 9 months pregnant in June or July in Texas!)  SO who knows- we will by the middle of September on how good we are since ya know, we’ve been practicing a while 😉

I don’t know what it is about the man that makes me want to have babies…. it’s crazy! I mean I had an IUD put in cause I was CERTAIN I didn’t want anymore for at least 10 years – 15 years really, maybe more. I thought I was going to finish college, maybe move to New Mexico, maybe Seattle, raise my boys in a nice condo or something …. have “friends” but not really any man that would be involved with the boys. I wanted to meditate and center myself. Seek out peace and tranquility. When I envisioned my future a year ago it included a niceish middle class condo on the second floor in Seattle with a patio, a comfy chair, tons or books, a dog, and wind chimes. Now I am in the middle of nowhere, Texas in a small apartment full of males (even the fish are male people!) No books, No chair, No wind chimes…. but I’m happy. I have trouble sharing a room – I abhor sharing my room, but it is well worth having him so I calm myself sometimes.  Really SHARING seems to be my main issue! I don’t like him parenting my kids, taking up space in our (deleted MY) room with his things, eating his food, riding in his car, taking showers with him sometimes erks me if  I am not in the mood, and just generally being messed with. I am a crabby old woman in a young woman’s body. Now all the things I listed above don’t apply ALL the time, but those are the most frequent. My first urge when he has to do anything consequence wise with my kids is to jump on him and beat him senseless. Seriously. The rest is just a minor annoyance, but WELL worth having the love of my life next to me in bed, waking up and seeing his beautiful face ❤ it makes me melt sometimes, really.

But then I try to force myself to learn to share and hand him the reigns and it turns into this man dance over nothing! Then I was where I was this afternoon …. crying in bed because I don’t want to lose my love but I also can have a war in my house for the duration of the older child’s  childhood. There are things that we all learn as parents, and I am trying my best to give him credit as far as effort, but for Christ’s sake! He has wonderful ideas on some fronts but then misses the obvious…. (sounds familiar actually, heh)  I resolved and promised something to myself today when I came to the decision to stay and be stubborn…. I WILL teach him how to parent, nay, how to be an adult as best I can and I will learn how to be a professional and an adult from him. I will not worry about bothering him because hey! he bothers me! I love that he does that! So maybe…. maybe he likes that I bother him too 😀

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