I went to the doctor a couple times this week to learn nothing. I still have a negative pregnancy test (even blood tests) so I have resigned to thinking perhaps I am too stressed or something like that…. Right now my major source of tension comes from my impending marriage… maybe impending is the wrong word? that sounds so ominous! Either way, his sister who lives in Albuquerque called to ask when we were going to get married – shes bee pressuring for some time for us to set a date so she can plan for it… he called me and in the midst of discussing our recent addition to our fish tank and the ill fates of our poor guppies (we got an Oscar) he just casually mentions that his sister wants to know when we’re getting married so if i could look at the calendar at some point…. my heart sank just then, my mood changed i had that trapped animal feeling like omfg i am going to have to perform in front of people – it was similar to the feeling one gets before having to speak publicly about something unscripted…. if one were to be thrust on stage and asked about elephant shrews or some such obscurity…. I just don’t want to see my family and I’m not comfortable around his or his friends. i dont KNOW them and furthermore, this is the part i hate to admit – i dont WANT to know them. I know relationships go through ups and downs but right now i just don’t want it. I love him more than ever but it’s just one of those times that i dont give a fuck about any of them and i just dont want to see any of them… however…. i know that if i went about this and excluded myself from them, first of all they would feel bad- second, i would only continue along this unhealthy path and then i would become a hermit, a recluse, and probably sabotage my nice happy relationship.
But there are things that bother me! part of me says…. he’s so freakin emotional (so am i but…) and he drives all crazy and he doesn’t know how to parent the kids (somehow has problems separating men from boys) i keep having to say “honey, he is 3” or “honey, he is 7” why is it so hard? was he never a child? does he not understand that children test you- thats how they build security. if they’re every little everything makes you insane then they will perceive the world as fagile, since even this little XXXX pissed you off so bad! Instead when things go south, when they misbehave, when things inevitably get broken I can usually (usually) keep my cool. there is far too much yelling in these parts. I’m tired of hearing about how i treat my older child unfairly – you know i dont want to nuzzle a 7 yr old boy to my breast like i do the baby… it would be weird and facts be facts he dont like me, im just the one who has breasts in the house.
At the same time I have been trekking around A&M completing my admissions stuff and doing stuff for financial aid and looking for a job, going on interviews, reading up on womens health, sanding and painting old furniture here, and doing some financial management stuff for a guy i met off craigslist. maybe i do need to relax a bit but im worried about too much….
do i need to be doing more by way of preschool education for my lil one – he’s nearly 4… damn i need a job i am SO not contributing to the household (guilt, shame) … what if im pregnant? (midwife? VBA2C? girls? boy? marriage? ) my weight is creeping up… am i fat? what do i look like to the outside world? am i not getting job because im fat? they have less likelihood of getting jobs…. why dont i exercise? i have the videos… i hate the videos, i want my old gym back i miss my classes i miss the people i used to know and the streets i wanna go home, wait THIS is home now- the home with no windows! the home – sometimes this is more like a human nest! i want to go back to a year ago and start this all over… crap cant do that … not to mention you have this flaming bitch of a mom who would just say and do the same condescending mean things… but it was cruelty with a bag of money… but im worth more than money right? heh, if it means not living in a human nest…….
this dialog goes on and on and on ALWAYS and I’m going to go crazy…. i dont know what i need, drugs, therapy, frontal lobotomy… who knows….
……it’s only the rats that keep me sane…..