Not Pregnant, losing my marbles… sort of

This is good… I think. I had gotten so wound up thinking I may have a baby, but the test was negative, so I suppose a bit of time shall be good.

I was a bit saddened since I kind of want to have another kiddo, but I wonder sometimes if I really want one now or if  – like during my marriage – I just want one to make things better, to focus my energy on not being disappointed,  or to make him happy since he seems to have this thing about getting older and not having kids of his own.

I’m trying not to drive myself mad, and I think for the time being I will start birth control, even though it is fucked up with the hormones.  I’m unexceptionably sad anyhow, right, so what could it do? I am not going to tell the significant other either since from then on every qualm I’d have would be tied to the starting of hormonal birth control ~ I am keeping in mind right now though not to take my issues too seriously since the devil is going to be given free reign of my hormones!

On a brighter note, I have come to some conclusions on free will and determinism – I recently met someone who is a big deterministic thinker and had a nice argument… I tend not to think that everything is free will since some of the non chosen things dominate in my kiddos, but I do happen to think that with some things we certainly have a choice – im a happy blend!

The pre determined things that we have no control over  (like certain expressions of genes) are inherent but the way we choose to use them is our choice.  My younger son got his blue blue eyes from his father who chose to use them to manipulate in order to commit more crimes- my son may also use them to manipulate, but maybe to get people to donate to a charity or sell something.  Some things are influenced by our environment but there is something to be said for the will of human spirit. I refuse to believe we are all products of things we have no say in – other wise, what’s the point?      Perhaps these determinists are pessimists who don’t like to take responsibility and likewise don’t expect anyone else to either. I know this particular person voiced that it was unfair that people starve while other people buy mansions.  I argue that at some point the starving man decided to not get a job, to not go a certain pathway.

I didn’t find it EASY to finish high school and get through college with two kids all by myself, but I did it – and now I move on to the next step, the next degree, the next phase of my life. Thankfully, now I do have help, and boy is he wonderful.

A side note though – I am still trying to figure out what has got me down with him – i seem to have lost my steam, my passion. I know that relationships cool after a bit, but it’s only been 6 months! There are these small things that bother me, like how we never talk in the car. I don’t think of myself as super chatty but I become super chatty with him since it’s just so damn QUIET! He seems to be threatened by my 3 yr old, and describes him as territorial of all things! I’m his Momma! of course he is territorial! I have gotten too set in my ways (by my Mom) of just agreeing to whatever the Head of Household says. I hate asking for assistance (especially when I need it)  and I hate when I think I know something and he knows more. I end up feeling like a silly little girl most of my days and I hate it – BUT – this is what drives me to work harder and become better I think. There are things I need to do before I die so that my children will have some things to remember me by, so I can leave some mark on this earth before I am forgotten…. I’m not really being morbid, it’s just the way I’ve always seen it.

So on to the next step to world domination! My application to A&M is complete (you have no IDEA how time consuming that was!)  and my financial Aid application is submitted – I have one birth certificate to get and the whole enchilada is done! (the vital stat office said my first sons name was too long! to print a birth cert there!!!!)

My mom is about one breath away from booting me out of her life again… which is sad but relieving at the same time…. we have never much cared for eachother and despite what my former house brother and lover says- i do not OWE her my lifetime support for her willingness to screw my dad and get a c section 9 months later! I was a disobedient teen for sure, but she also kicked me out at 15 so it’s not like she stuck by me through all those tough years!!!

I got a temp job at A&M and I’m hoping the chick who i’m filling in for can’t leave her baby after 6 weeks, but of course if she can, then I’m still signed up with the temp agency that fills all the A&M positions! YAY! Financial independence!

Other than that, we picked a day to get married~ April 9, 2011…. I’m hoping to stay not pregnant till then….  and I seriously need to make sure I DO want to do this….  I don’t know why I’ve even agreed to do it since I’m still kind of up in the air! I suck as a human being! ugh! (being over dramatic, I know I kick all ass) But seriously, I don’t want everyone to be looking at me to do something and I just do it cause of peer pressure. I don’t want a wedding anyhow! I wish it could be done like a form online! I don’t want a big show and a big whatever the fuck . I am not romantic so I don’t appreciate these things!!! sheesh! It’s all too stressful for me, I just shut down in these types of situations. This is why I never wanted to have birthday parties when I was a kid – I wished I don’t have a birthday really.

*sigh* Well I think I shall go sort through the THOUSANDS of papers I have collected for personal filing in a laundry basket (seriously, thousands) since I’ve cleaned the rest of the house top to bottom in a nervous frenzy …. wtf is wrong with me????? I’m going crazy and I just can’t stop.


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