So I have in passing heard that a few people have passed on to the next life (if there be one~ I’d LIKE to think so) this week. It’s givin me a sense of briefness to life that I can’t shake. All my questions about whether to get married, to have another baby, to go back to school, have just melted away. We set a date~ April 9, 2011 and I am very happy. My fears just melted as I suddenly thought about things in a whole new light – if I have one day or a thousand days, with him is where I want to be. Same goes for the having a baby thing, I want to have the joy of bringing new life into this world, to hold, to feed, to rock that little joy and love them in all their perfect imperfections. And school, Who says I can’t have my cake and eat it too? I will go to school, and marry, and have babies as I see fit, and stop worrying myself. Where did my motto of “Just Be” slip off to? So much of my happiness today I owe in large part to this motto and I ought to stick with what works!
I do worry for my big boy since he has shown himself to be a bit of a dangerous fellow yesterday. In an aguement with his brother yesterday, he promptly threw him (literally) in front of speeding trucks outside the grocery store yesterday. Needless to say he was punished, but he showed no remorse. I worry about my sweet hearted boy who will cry when one of our pets gets injured (usually by another pet) but doesn’t seem to think it wrong to try and kill his younger brother who worships him in every way (and annoys him in everyway, but what are little brothers for if not annoyance?) I plan on spending a lot of Mama time with him here in the near future and talking to him on how he is holding up mentally in 2nd grade, new school, new home, new soon to be step dad…. If I thought my mother would straighten him, I’d send him there, but I know all too well that she will play into his victim mentality since she has the same mindset. Perhaps a visit with his no excuses father? Yes, that might work quite well actually…
I’ve found my faith in God returning, oddly, from nowhere. I feel like my life is so miraculous right now, and I’m so happy despite my challenges, that I have no choice but to recognize that my hardships had a reason, a purpose I had not known about until now. I still won’t be a Christian, but I can not deny the feeling of a higher being guiding me through this life, and perhaps on to the next.
Coming full circle, I am meditating on the briefness of life and what I want to do with it. I recognize my flaws as beautiful, and other too. We all deserve as much happiness as we can achieve in this life~ and I intend to bring as much to others as seek out for myself.
My condolances to those who have lost someone special, I truly hope that in time the loss will show itself as a lesson or a way to bring more joy. Everywhere that teams with life, teams with death for death is only a stage in life….