Alone

I always seem to write on sleepless nights. It amazing I haven’t written more but I suppose stray cat keeps me in bed even when I don’t sleep since he needs me to sleep himself. I don’t really know what’s the matter, but I feel all heartbroken and lost. I just want to go back to Dallas and have my old room back again. I was miserable but shit, I was 20 pounds lighter and wasn’t having panic attacks.

How is it that this life makes me feel more fulfilled and completely desperately unhappy at the same time? My mom is no longer running my life, which is good, but I miss the day to day interaction. I miss my gym and having my own space to run off to. I still have no friends here, but I suppose I never really had any in Dallas either. I don’t understand myself. I have never let anyone get close to me that meant well.

I hit my son today, and after I wondered what I was coming to when I felt the need to do that. He refuses to do his homework no matter what tactic we try. Stray Cat is under the impression that he just wants attention so the best way to get him working is to cut him off and be cold to him, forcing him to develop mental maturity. I don’t think that’s how it works. I think I need to devote more time ~ perhaps as much time as an infant gets~ in order to fill the void where love should be. I just don’t know what to do, I love him so much but he won’t mind and he has all these troubling behaviors. Sometimes I wish I could just wish him out of existence but then I feel terrible for feeling that way. Either way, I will not stoop to the level I did today. I cried so much over it and apologized profusely.

I have been having panic attacks before I go to bed at night ~ or at least I think that’s what they are. My heart races and I can breathe. It’s very scary. I do my best to keep the house clean but without the help of the other 3 people who live here, it gets really messy. The worst part is that part that Stray Cat is missing, that singular personality trait he lacks is the one I miss the most. For a long time I thought I missed Phillip or missed this other person but I don’t know if I really miss them or this one trait they both have: we can talk about nothing for hours and have a blast doing it. Stray Cat doesn’t talk on road trips. DO YOU KNOW HOW BORING THAT IS???? I don’t want him to be all queer about it but I have known many men I could converse with for hours on end, cracking each other up over nearly nothing, over and over again. I can think of many times my mom had called wondering where I was when I had stayed out way past my bedtime, not wanting to go home, not wanting the night to end. I was having too much fun. Stray Cat can keep me up all night but it’s not with words, and I’m sorry but that will get old. It has gotten old. How is it that I found someone that matches me 99.9% but is missing the ONE trait I cherish the most? And the worst thing ~the WORST thing~ is I’m supposed to get married in April. I don’t know what to do now. I don’t know if I can make up my mind by then ~ I don’t want to say I could never marry him, but I also don’t want to do it and hope for the best. I’ve done that before and it didn’t turn out so well 😛 I most certainly don’t want to have kids with this person, with how things fluctuate. If it’s his idea, he’s all in, but if it fails I always hear “do what you think is best.” It’s like he turns the floor to me and then doesn’t back me up. Another thing: I hate video games. They are garbage. I hate computer games too. They are oddly enticing when you feel numb but I feel like they have done nothing good for me or the kids. I’m considering taking them up, moving it all back to our room perhaps. I hate to make Stray Cat feel like he has no say so in how the house is run, but I think I over compromise with him sometimes. I’m such a pushover.

I was really sick today, but I still went to a temp job since I had agreed yesterday that I would. It was a bullshit job~ 9 bucks an hour to stuff envelopes and do some filing, I can do that with a fever! Any day I’m working is a good day! Friday and Saturday I have another bullshit job passing out fliers at Sam’s Club. This is what my life has come to, I’m a temp worker at Sam’s Club. Wow. But money’s money so I’ll do it. I have applied to every job from craigslist to careerbuilder to monster to A&M jobs, the chamber of commerce for the city of Bryan, everywhere. Still nothing. I feel like I’m living a half life. I’m an unproductive adult. I can’t sleep for a week, the next I can stay awake past 7. I emotionally eat. I am not friendly and I just stall when people ask me things. I constantly say the wrong thing. Maybe I ought to revisit the things I used to read and fix these problems. I need my power back, I need my oomph!

I DID get my college back on track though. I’m just taking Economics this semester cause there was a delay in my financial   aid and that’s all I could afford to pay for. I plan on taking Micro Econ and probably Logic next semester, maybe some German or Spanish too. I’m excited. This is what I think as of now: my life could be really great here if I just work a little harder on getting me back. Maybe it’s time Mommy Bunnie starts being a little selfish. If I want to coddle my babies (lol 7 &4 yrs old) then I will. If I wanna work when I’m sick, I’m gonna! If I want to relax and not hear the goddamn gunshots from Red Dead Redemption the GODDAMN IT I ought to be able to do that! I want one night ONE NIGHT where *I* get to hog the bed AND the covers! Ugh….. I need to talk this out with Stray Cat, keeping these things to myself is gonna drive a wedge between us, and I DO love him very very much. I just miss being able to talk to someone. I feel so alone, and when I’ve mentioned this to him in the past it goes like this:

Me: we don’t spend anytime together, I miss you

him: we’ve spent tons of time together this week! what are you talkin about! (incredulous look on his face)

me: are you serious? all i’ve done with you this week is watch you play video games

(talk deteriorates into which video games are fun to play but not watch which wasn’t even the point to begin with)

I miss familiarity. I talk to John most. My best friend is a 4 year old. I can’t relate to people here, they’re all so small town minded. I don’t think I’m better than them, I just think we are different. they don’t think I’m funny. I miss familiar things and people. I’m just so alone so very very alone.

 

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