Ugh…. and …..Ugh

I’m so tired! why is it when you really really neeeeed sleep you can never get to sleep? i kept thinking about how i just dont know enough to deliever this baby on my own but how my body doesnt relax around others. its one of those things where i need to get ON my reading and my exercise. I need to ready myself or i might as well schedule another c section. i talked to a midwife yesterday but my main issue with them is they dont give any more of a shit than the MD and they seem to be so freaking concerned about whether the birth mom is totally bumming their zen mmmmaaaannnnn…..
She told me she had delivered a VBA2C but that that mom was “so rigid” as to what her expectations were for her birth and it totally stressed her out and ya know she’s so busy and tired, poor me poor me poor me. I can’t imagine! If I’m paying a person $3000 and she’s worried about whether her needs are being met? pft! eff that! I think I’m just gonna be on my own with this. I don’t trust anyone and I’m not comfortable with anyone. I don’t want to be taking care of anyone else’s needs while I try and birth! She did bring up that I need to get my hospital records… so I’ll order them. I need to research what I need and maybe when I need to go to a hospital… I doubt I’ll need to but I do need to know. I’m just disgruntled that no one want’s to even TRY with me cause oh, it’s a touchy subject or oh, it might be risky… when is the creation of life perfect? when is life perfect? why must we women be told that in our body we must be PERFECT? we must have big boobs, a narrow waist, a plump butt and legs for miles. when we are as big as a house when we are 9 months pregnant, we need to still strive to be cute and sexually attractive, never gripey and just fucking tired, hot and feeling like a frickin cow! then, we are supposed to go into labor, go to the hospital and bat our little eyelashes and say “oh i dunno doctor, what do YOU think i should do?” they of course pump us full of drugs and threaten us that if we disagree then we will be executing our own child. So we go along with it. and then we are supposed to be grateful GRATEFUL that they SAVED us and our baby! *I* for one and not down with this absurd view of women. *I* won’t do it! I am a woman, and as such I am not a man. some things are not for me. Manual labor~ i CANT possess the strength a man can. Some things are in a female nature: I LIKE to look pretty, I like to look sexy sometimes. But I’m not gonna sit around waiting for some man to make my dreams come true because it wouldn’t be ladylike to be assertive!!! I hate that all I can find are people who buy into this “know your place” mentality ~ even the alternative medicine people. Are there no Feminists left? Are there no empowered women anymore? How am I the only one here that wants to do this?
I’m just feeling really unsupported right now, and I’m not sure why I’m surprised but I am. Even Stray Cat doesn’t seem to really care ~ I talked to him last night about this but only time will tell if he hear me through his exhaustion. I know birth isn’t what men are raised to help with but I may NEED his help. I need him to not be the guy waiting in the waiting room till she gets done birthin that baby! Especially if I wanted to do a hypnobirth~ that is VERY much involving him. But I feel like an ass asking him to practice with me in the evenings when he’s practically drooling in a cup tired as it stands 😦 oh I dunno
thats why i say ugh… and…. ugh

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