So yesterday I fulfilled my husbands fantasy of having sloppy seconds after I fucked an older gentleman I met off craigslist. I was originally looking for men to fuck me because my husband is into the sloppy seconds thing. I have been teetering between it for several reasons but mainly because I didn’t want anyone else. I just lam madly in love with him, he isn’t lacking in the bedroom, I’m not bored of him, and I dunno- I just didn’t want anything to change. I was also worried about how this would change the dynamic of our relationship, if he’d then want to bop other women and we’d slowly become one of those couples who never had sex with each other alone. When he met me I had poor self esteem and basically never met a cock I didn’t like. I regularly fucked men I’d met once, hours after I met them, unprotected. I didn’t care. I was suicidal but unable to escape my life because I have children to live for. I never cared about myself or my well being.Now I have a tad more dignity and a tad more self-esteem, and I love him very much so I was happy to just have sex with him~ but this was a change from how I was when we met, and it began to feel like I had lied to him from the start to get him to fall in love with me, only to pull the rug out from under him – like “haha! those arent really my kinks!” so I figured what the hell, right? He has been begging me to fuck other men for a year now, so I’ll give it a whirl! I used to do this, I can do this again right? Well I met a man from my ad 2 days ago. An older man, but still really attractive in my book- said he was 45, so not terribly old- right up my ally really. I met him in person briefly to see if there was any chemistry and he was good. Yesterday he came over and despite being very nervous I was able to get over it and fuck him. It was different but good. It was nice to have someone different. After which he told me basically “FOOLED YA IM 52!” I would have been fine with that too- duh- but it left me feeling like I’m going to get lied to by even the nicest people (he was very nice in his responses) and that no one is who they say they are, even when the truth is just as good as the lie.
Hubby came home all riled up and had his way with me, which was fun. I was still really wound up from the gentleman and it was amazing to see the desire in hubby’s eyes, a fire I hadn’t seen in forever. But since he woke me up repeatedly the night before, horny cause I had made out with the gentleman, I had then had sex 6 times in 12 hours. So although jazzed I had taken this step, I didn’t want to be TOUCHED! But he just kept on and on and on- sexual innuendo and commenting on how I rock (which rarely comes up unless I perform some sexual FEAT) talking about how he was gonna get me later. And the worst thing is I did what I always do with him and sex~ I went along with it. I just fell like I’m not entitled to say no. When I say no he goes into passive aggression or self pity or worse “baby whats wrong” mode. Sometimes nothing is wrong. Sometimes i just don’t want my space and body violated. Sometimes I’m not horny and I just want to be talked to and respected as a human being, as a woman. Not all the time, hell not even MOST of the time. I’m just saying sometimes the hard cock needs to take a night off. And no, that does not mean you excuse yourself and go whack off you rude fucking bastard. It means you suck it up like the rest of the human population and manage to not orgasm for a certain period of time. You know I’m good for it. We’ve had what? 7 days in the past year we haven’t had sex? I eventually had to be the bad woman and say “look leave me alone” ~ that is freaking ridiculous! He seemingly found this objectionable so he spent the night being passive aggressive- stayed up like he was having trouble sleeping cause I dunno, his dick was hard, reading dirty stories online. Then he left to go out to the living room, I assume to whack off. But he was loud the whole fucking night. Like he was out there being a pissy bitch because I wasn’t going to screw him. So now I know I want sex with other men, cause it was good. But I want someone to have sex with me because of me, not cause I’m a nasty cumslut/ whore/ dirty bird whatever….. Does that seem like too much to ask? I mean if I’m so awesome of a girl, why is it only one man has wanted to have sex with the real me just because I was me? (sometimes I miss Phil) I feel like stray cat only wants cumslut bunnie and not his wife who loves him very much. And now I have all these responses that if I had to give them a title it would be something like “if horny dogs could type” demanding that I provide them this or that (a phone number, a pic, an address) and more or less treating me as less than human. I’m beginning to understand the anti-porn platform.
I often still wonder why these behavior are fine/ feel fine when I am single, but not once I have a person I love. I love to fuck older men, always have. late 30s all the way to mid 50s has always been my thing. They just have gotten past their amateur junk and know how to touch women. They’re dirty but not condescending. I have always had a strong sex drive. I like to do it 3-4 times a day as long as it’s with someone I know and trust, I do. But it has to be under 15 minutes and not be effin marathon sex, or that gets cut in half- also one new person kills it for the rest of the day cause of my nerves. I know these things about me. I am not shy about my desires, and I’m usually easy to get in the sack since the ideas are usually somewhere floating around anyhow. Maybe I’m more male in this aspect.
This situation was not bad when the gentleman left- at least not too bad- I felt lied to and kind of cheated since I like to know what I am getting into before I get into it (or it gets into me so to speak) but then to see that look in his eyes that I haven’t seen in so long. That excitement. Why isn’t he excited to be doing to bed with his wife? Why do I have to get fucked by someone else who I’m not generally interested in to get my husband to be interested in ME? It’s just like he just wants a dirty cumslut. Not me. Which is true of most men I’ve been with. It’s been my tolerance of bondage, submission, anal, facials, etc that has made me popular. But what I’ve always wanted deep down was something different. I’m not a porn star, I’m his wife, the soon to be mother of his son…. why can’t I not suck a cock without consequences? I don’t want him to get bored of me. And sometimes when we’re making love when I basically don’t want to, I silently cry, hearing my ex sister in law’s word in my head about how I lost my ex cause I don’t know how to keep a man happy. I worry that he will find someone more exciting, younger with a better body, unscathed by child bearing and I’ll lose Scott and him and live the rest of my days alone, waiting for my kids to be grown so I can go take a long walk off a short pier.
And this is me ON antidepressants! He’s on them too cause I have no idea, he has issues that overshadow all that is going on with me. Oh, I’m having a baby, but go ahead, let’s talk about what your parents did when you were 6! I know what it’s like to be scared of parenthood, I’m scared of it everyday but GET THE FUCK OVER IT! The whole while you’re sitting there being a douche and weeping over lost opportunity, you’re losing this one RIGHT NOW to be involved. So you know what I’m not going to pity you later when you recognize this time will be over soon and despair at lost time, cause I was HERE telling you. Amazingly I’ve told him all this- this is not a secret that I hold in- but he just. doesn’t. care. He will SAY he does. But we all know actions speak louder then words, and when it comes to action…. well, I’m just not worth it unless I have other men’s sperm to boost my value.