It’s been a long time ya’ know?

I’ve become seriously scared of my husband. He hurts me just about every day. I don’t have bruises. I haven’t been to the ER a bunch of times. He’s only really his me once and he seems to feel completely justified by that- I mean I deserved it right? I was being a hysterical bitch. It wouldn’t have been that bad of an injury (9 broken bones) if I hadn’t been on the mend from leukemia. That’s it. Yes. And he was surely punished plenty just by having CPS called on him and having them treat him like some sort of wife beater! ugh! the nerve of those people!  Amazingly I lost his trust since then. He ‘s convinced I go and  “talk shit”  about him when he’s not there (is what I’m doing here count as that?)  Never mind he convinces people I’m crazy and even told my mom he didn’t trust leaving his children alone with me. But it’s in the air ever since then. An oppressive humidity of hatred. He loathes me. after all, I’m so fucking stupid compared to him. I don;t know why he bothered marrying someone so much younger and so ignorant of basic life skills. I mean I should know my place by now right? I should just spend all my day in complete awe of him, and anything else of that seems to fill him with rage.  His rage steams up the air. He hates that I assume things like paying the credit cards is a good thing. He hates how he has already told me and I didn’t remember. He hates that he even had to tell me anything. He really hate having to try and undo my stupid actions. My stomach is just a ball of acid because of the anxiety. If I weren’t such a wimp, I’d kill myself. He hates helping me. I can tell because he sighs any time I ask him for something. If I ask if he begrudges helping me he contests with the best of them.

But I get why it would annoy him. I’m weak but I manage to get up to do dishes and laundry so why cant I make my own breakfast shake and get my medicine? I put up with so much pain just to walk around the store instead of using a cart so why can’t I just have sex with him and enjoy it. And if I do it once, why can’t I do it 10 or 12 times a day? I mean it’s not that hard for me right? I just have to lay there – sheesh! Why shouldn’t I be able to blow him I mean I’m just bleeding from my mouth so badly I have to figure out how to open my mouth each morning because the scabs have sealed my lips. I don’t know what wrong- it’s not infected, no virus, no yeast….. even as I’ve sat here typing my lips have sealed. It was kind of bad in December but since he got put on unpaid leave and every day has been about him, going to his doctor or specialist, trying to get him help one way or another everyday, I’ve really let myself go. I’ve tried to do some things- I dyed my hair purple and my daughters hair pink- which he was pissed at me about. He thinks the chemicals in hair dye give you cancer. He still thinks my leukemia was due to my smoking and hair dying. And I once or twice thought that my constant hair dying had a lot to do with my poor self esteem. I don’t think it’s a direct thing though. My purple hair had made me pretty happy. The pink has made her happy.

I constantly feel ashamed and scared, unworthy and stupid stupid stupid. He makes me feel like I should lock myself in a room and hide under the covers. All I ever want to do is the right thing. I guess I just don’t understand what that is. The amazing amount of debt we’re in is not my fault though. Sure I had expenses but I really did NOT get carried away with the groceries I bought (and that’s all I bought) most of the debt occurred because he couldn’t say no to video games, or pizza, or other fast food, or other fun things, or beer, or rum. He spends money like its going out of style and then I get blamed. And now its worse. He has these things when he cant remember when he can say the cruelest things to me and just “forget” – my plan I guess is to move into the side room. Paint it, tile it, make it mine. Make it my little universe. Figure out something I can do for a little money maybe. Maybe the separation will help. After all, he hardly pays attention to me unless he wants to touch on me.Or argue with me. or insult me. He plays those stupid phone games all the time- I can hardly get his attention. I’ll try anything to be happy again. I’m not willing to give up on this marriage though so maybe this step apart while still being together will help us rekindle something?

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