You Win.

I’m tired of fighting all the time. I’m tired of getting mixed messages and then being accused as sending mixed messages. I declare you the winner fear. if that’x what you’ve wanted, go for it! in one of our recent arguments, before the end as I know it, you declared that I had failed to take control of us like you wanted. That’s puzzling! What kind of man wants a woman to take charge ? Ah yes I remember it well now from childhood- my father (gag) he was always getting whatever woman he was with to run the house so that if things turned out well he could get the goods and if it went poorly, she was blames. Figures I’d seek out my  father. Tonight was a perfect example of how we work (or don’t) now.

First off it was a late night, and we’ve both been sick- so my expectations weren’t high. I just wanted a relaxed morning of coffee, cartoons, and fever hallucinations. But no, he couldn’t wake up. This happens a lot with him. This “I just can’t.”  nonsense ! So I get up, after 90 minutes of sleep, get the crazies some food, drink, and medicine. for their fevers. I start my coffee brewing. i go bask to our room to try and wake him gently. No dice. At this point the chickens and ducks are bothering me yet again and I am finally DONE! I put on my rain boots, find a pair of wire cutters, and set the chicken and ducks free (as well as fill up their waters and food feeders) It was crazy but I’ve been bugging him forever to do something because we have too many chicken for our back porch – they’ve stopped laying! They were very happy birdies actually, and I’m not so much worried about their survival as I in their enjoyment of their life.

I come back in and shower (as one does after working with chickens) and once again contemplate the choices I have a head of me. We had spent some time the day before arguing and being passive aggressive about his damn eye surgery.  He thinks I am so mean and so petty they I hate him for getting his cataracts removed (they were so bad, he’s been un able to work!) All I said was it it would’ve been NICE if he had told me it was gonna me over $700 so I could dial the spending down! My second point is if I don’t inform him of purchases I make at much lower level (the $300 phone I got him for xmas, a couple 75 dollar presents over the years) he gets mad! He acts like it’s not even really a gift from me since his money paid for it. Never mind I prolly got the bet deal ever on it. *sigh* So in an effort to just gain my space and enough independence I had come up with turning the “side room” into the “girl room” I wouldn’t want to just move Boopy in there alone and frankly I am not sleeping well beside him after all he’s put me though. LOL that makes it he hallway of boys! My other idea is so take John’s room. and give him the side room. I’ve decided against it- he was too much of turkey with that room! I get out of the shower, still sweating profusely and sit in front of the box fan in the living room. after dozing off here and  there, I move to bed. Once I’m there though, I try to start some “fun” time- he plays along, but doesn’t get hard. Says his head hurts. Fine, i say to myself, we’ll just snuggle up and go to sleep.

After a long sleep he woke up. I wasn’t greeted with so much as a “hey” In fact,-I don’t remember any salutation.But who knows,  I may have been asleep! But anyhow, I woke up and the TV was on and he was playing on his phone as usual. There was some kind of pizza remnant. I’ve trained my mind to try and not take points down since it’s the doom of every relation ship. Eventually you’re just doing nice things for the points, not the person you love, and resenting the good things they do for you because that counts for however many points. Here’s the thing though, sometimes when you lose points you lose a sense of fairness and can’t accurately tell if you’re being abused. For instance: ,y sister woke me a text asking for my address because she wants to invite me to her wedding. It’s in Las Vegas and she’s pretty sure I can’t make it, but it’s just for the gesture. He says don’t give it to her. (he and my family have always had issues, and I pretty sure he is NOT invited) I kinda make a non committal “meh” and his body stiffens – the here-comes-the-fight-stance. He locks eyes with me and makes the fake confused look he makes when you know something condescending is coming “it’s in Las Vegas, isn’t it?” -obvious yes question; “I just don’t see how we can swing that- I mean how were you planning on getting there? FLYING?!?!” *chuckle to make one feel small, insignificant, and ignorant. We’re fresh off me discovering his eye expenditure (and while I’m okay with it again HE NEEDS TO SEE!…. it still would’ve been nice to know) Oh course he doesn’t take it like this, no- I’m a mean ol witch who doesn’t want him to see. I bring up the double standard (I mean he got pissed when I made a payment plan of 20 bucks a month on a medical bill) He starts going on and on about how I don’t trust him and how I’ll never trust him unless he bends over and takes from John (MY 10 YEAR OLD) During this whole next battle i remembered to mentally write things down to write down later because I feel like I forget these things because I’m so   hell bent on not “taking points” So here’s what I’ve got: “Unless I bed over and take it from him, you’re you’re gonna be on his side” (I brought up the idea that maybe sodomy wasn’t the best subject for kids…) “When you say all that shit, it makes me want to be an asshole” (as in, it’s not MY fault, it’s Hollie’s for being too much of a bitch) “Why don’t you just marry him already, I know you want him over me” (MY 10 YEAR OLD?!?!?)

**He sent John to his room** “He doesn’t get a reward for sicking his mom on me!” (Because I can’t make decisions on my own? because I am so easily played I can’t out smart a 10 yr old?  Just because I don’t want to ABUSE my child does not make me weak!!!)

“over the past week I was getting easier on him (a lie, since he came to me to be checked for bruised around his throat two days ago!!!) until you pulled this shit” (me “pulling shit” is me disagreeing with him in any fashion. – when we argued about the eye money he looked for proof in his fucking phone call logs to PROVE I was lying. – my point is even if you did TECHNICALLY tell me, you didn’t tell me well enough for me to grasp the idea, the consequences!)

Oh and My favorite “So we’re BACK TO you two (John and me) against the world” With how much he accuses my son of having an Oedipus complex you think maybe it’s reflection?

So here I am. I don’t dare wake him cause he’s “healing” from his awful PTSD. He professes love but doesn’t hardly let me have friends, and no family- even going so far as to yell obscenities when he knows im on the phone with him. He breaks my bones and blames me for it.  But I’ve got no where to go. he’s ruined all my relationships by playing on my insecurities and things that I said or did to help me imagine how I did it all wrong. Yeah I think I need this separate room, and it needs a lock that I only have the key to.  I just wish it had been different.


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