Respect or Submission?

So I read this piece called “25 ways to Communicate Respect” and I thought I would dissect it a bit to see where I stand …. in writing I guess. It’s got all this Bible back up which is troublesome to me as a non-christian, but some advise is universal and good, no matter where its origins.

“Actions speak louder than words. You can say you respect your husband, but he’ll have a hard time believing that unless your behavior backs it up.

What does respectful living look like? Here are 25 ways you can communicate respect to your spouse without uttering a word. If you’ll make it your habit to do these things, the next time you tell your husband how much you respect him, he won’t have to wonder if you really mean it.

“1. Choose Joy

It’s true: A happy wife makes a happy life. Please don’t use moodiness as an attempt to manipulate your man, but in all things rejoice, because that’s the right thing to do. (1 Thessaonians 5:16; Philippians 4:4)”

This one I like because it reminds me that I am responsible for my own happiness, not him. I choose how I react to things and how I think about things- positively or negatively. It reminds me that other people in my house are effected by my mood and my thought. Being positive will attract good things and make our lives better- and even if it doesn’t- where’s the harm in being happy?

“2. Honor His Wishes

Give weight to what your husband thinks is important. Make those things a priority that matter most to him, whether it’s having dinner ready when he gets home from work or keeping the house tidy or limiting computer time. Don’t make him ask twice. (Philippians 2:4)”

“Don’t make him ask twice” is just offensive. I am not a servant. I do like making his goals important because I love him and that how one ought to act about someone they love! You should naturally want them to succeed at their goals. I don’t think having dinner ready is his really the goal though- especially since he would get home an hour before dinner time. I tidy the house because I like to, and if it were expressed that I HAD to I doubt I would. Limiting computer time is crap. It’s like saying I need to make him my world, my ENTIRE world- and that’s too much pressure for anyone! Honoring his wishes would be more of a thing like if I cook something that disagrees with him, then cook something separate for him maybe?

“3. Give Him Your Undivided Attention

Yes, I know that women are masters of multi-tasking, but when your husband is speaking to you, make a point to lay other tasks aside, look into his eyes, and listen to what he is saying with the goal of understanding and remembering his words.”

That’s invalid since no one would give a man this advice. Not to mention that with kids and house care etc etc etc neither one of us hardly speaks to the other this way. So why should I be the only one that stops and stares at him every time he utters? Not to mention we do a bit of talking while he’s playing video games so… I’d have to stand in front of the TV to look him in the eyes!

“4. Don’t Interrupt

Have you ever been around a person who won’t let you finish a sentence? That gets old fast. Even if you think you already know what your husband is going to say, allowing him to say it without cutting him off mid-sentence shows both respect and common courtesy.”

Everything’s good but the title- Don’t Interrupt is what I tell my kids, not my spouse. That being said- no matter how well you know someone, do you ever REALLY know what they’re going to say?

“5. Emphasize His Good Points

Sure, he has his faults (as do you), but dwelling on them will only make you (both) miserable. Choose instead to focus on those qualities in your husband that you most admire. (Philippians 4:8)”

I notice women who gather to bitch about their husbands do seem to be a lot more unhappy. It is fine to blow off steam every now and then but doing it too much with just make his faults seem that more blatant. Besides, I tend to think it’s the imperfections in people that make them attractive as human beings. I don’t think enough is said about how telling someone how proud you are of them boosts their confidence to then do more things you can be proud of! We do it for our kids, why not other adults?

“6. Pray for Him

Ruth Graham advises wives to “tell your mate the positive, and tell God the negative.” Take your concerns to God. Faithfully lift up your husband in prayer every day, and you will likely notice a transformation not only in him, but in yourself, as well. (Philipians 4:6-7; 1 Thessalonians 5:17)”

Christian’s way of venting. Have some place to vent, calm down.

“7. Don’t Nag

Your husband is a grown man, so don’t treat him like a two-year-old. Leave room for God to work. You are not the Holy Spirit, so do not try to do His job.”

I like this one, but I know I nag sometimes anyhow >.< I more think of it and tell it to others this way: he obviously could take care of himself before you came into his life, so reminding him to pay his bills and wipe his butt is degrading. I remind him to do things but I tell him in a “just checking cause it crossed my mind” kind of way.

“8. Be Thankful

Cultivate an attitude of gratitude. Don’t take your husband for granted. Be appreciative for everything he does for you, whether big or small. Always say thank you. (1 Thessalonians 5:18; Ephesians 5:20)”

This is advice that’s good for all relationships- even the one with yourself. Being appreciative can only bring good things!

“9. Smile at Him

Smiles spread happiness. Smiles have even been shown to create happiness. Smiles are contagious. And a smile makes any woman more beautiful.”

It’s been shown in studies that women get more relationship satisfaction when the couple is unhappy (because  she feels that they are sharing feelings freely) and men are most satisfied when she is happy (because he feels like he is being pleasing and fulfilling to her) This creates a lot of problems. Smiling and letting him know that you are indeed happy with him gives him more security I think. Now I don’t think burying feelings and bottling them up behind a fake smile is healthy … I would know. NOT mentioning something you need to work on as a couple because you’re too busy grinning your ass off is a horrible idea!

“10. Respond Physically

Did you know that the way you respond (or don’t respond) to your husband’s romantic overtures has a profound effect on his self-confidence? Don’t slap him away when he tries to hug you or make excuses when he’s in the mood. Your enthusiastic cooperation and reciprocation will not only assure him of your love, but will make him feel well-respected, too. (1 Corinthians 7:3-5)”

“I’m not in the mood” or  “I don’t want to” is a valid reason! I since when does respecting him involve me enthusiastically COOPERATING with his sexual desires when I don’t want to???? That being said if I’m not “in the mood” but not completely out of it I have been known to cooperate >.< but good lord I ain’t a meat hole! This is one where communication is key. If I’m busy doing something or not- if I just don’t feel like being touched- and he wants a hug. HE SAYS SO, and I’m more than happy to oblige! People need lovin on 😀 sitting with him on the couch or cuddling up in bed works just as well. It seems goofy at first but physical contact (the G rated kind) works just as well!

“11. Eyes Only for Him

Don’t compare your husband unfavorably to other men, real or imaginary. It is neither fair nor respectful and will only breed trouble and discontent. Avoid watching movies or reading books that might cause you to stumble in this area, as well. (Psalm 19:14; Proverbs 4:23)”

Who compares their man to an imaginary man? This is dumb- AVOID WATCHING MOVIES OR READING???? yeah, that’s sound advice! pah! How about you accept you ain’t no Angelina Jolie too? or that the book is a FICTIONAL CHARACTER. I think it’s okay to eye-ball other mens. I’m married, not dead! Likewise, I think it’s okay and HEALTHY for him to eye-ball other women- I’d be worried if he didn’t! But keep it to that and move on! Be open and communicate- it can make it fun! That being said if we’re in the store and I’m feeling a bit chunky that day and don’t want to talk about that chick’s awesome ass, I say so and in no uncertain terms.

“12. Kiss Him Goodbye

I once read about a study done in Germany which found that men whose wives kissed them goodbye every morning were more successful than those who weren’t kissed. Success and respect often go hand-in-hand, so be sure to send him off right, and don’t forget to greet him with a kiss when he returns home, for good measure. (2 Corinthians 13:12)”

You never know when you’re last kiss is going to be, so kiss as much as possible 😀 I can’t believe there are people who don’t want to kiss their loved ones goodbye.

“13. Prepare His Favorite Foods

Although the rest of the family is not overly-fond of spaghetti, my husband loves it, so I try to make it at least two or three times a month as a way to honor him. Next time you’re planning meals, give special consideration to your husband’s preferences. (Proverbs 31:14-15)”

DUR. This is what families do. My kid likes fish sticks so we make them, I like ice cream so we buy it, why wouldn’t it apply to his preferences? THAT BEING SAID. If he liked something NO ONE ELSE LIKED, I’d make it but it would be his personal fill-in-the-blank. I’m not making the kids eat it (no more than 3 bites worth) and by gods I ain’t eating it if I don’t like it! I am grown dammit!

“14. Cherish Togetherness

I love to sit near my husband, whether at home or away. Our church shares potluck dinners every Sunday afternoon, and although the men and women normally sit separately to visit, I like to position myself close enough to my husband that I can listen to the conversation, as I think everything he says is so interesting. At home, I’ll take my book or handwork to whatever room in the house he’s working in, just to be close to him, because I enjoy his company, even when neither of us is talking.”

Men like this togetherness, I’m kind of so/so on it since it feels like we’re together but not and it becomes kind of like the “I’m not touching you” taunt. I highly doubt the writer of this article finds EVERYTHING her husband utters to be a frikin golden egg of enlightenment but yes, I love listening to him talk to other people- especially business folk since he’s just so damn smart and it’s a side I rarely get to see.

“15. Don’t Complain

Nobody wants to be around a whiner or complainer. It is grating on the nerves. Remember the serenity prayer: accept the things you can’t change, courageously change the things you can, seek wisdom to know the difference. (Philippians 2:14)”

I like this since it goes well with not nagging but I think there’s something to be said for expressing discontent with things since sometimes you don’t know what is changeable. The key I think is to discuss it in a fair way- how is anything supposed to change unless you speak up? Not to mention if something he is doing to make you happy is having the opposite effect then maybe you should tell him about your feelings so he can start doing things that do make you happy? Note that you really do appreciate the gesture, but the thing itself is just no.

“16. Resist the Urge to Correct

I know one wife whose spouse can’t tell a story without her stopping him fifteen times to correct inconsequential details: “It wasn’t Monday evening, it was Monday afternoon…. It wasn’t blue, it was turquoise…. He didn’t ride the bus, he took a shuttle.” Please. Please. Please. Don’t ever do that to your husband — or to anyone else, for that matter! (Proverbs 17:28)”

I only fill in details of a story if he draws a blank, that’s common courtesy- and while the writer of this article finds it annoying, I think it’s kind of endearing when I’ve listened to a couple trip over each other telling a story. They’re eyes light up and they get all excited like children. I dunno, I think this one’s up to the couple dynamic!

“17. Dress to Please Him

Take care of your appearance. Choose clothes your husband finds flattering, both in public and around the house.”

Dress in what you find flattering since confidence and feeling attractive is what’s attractive. – tip for husbands: a woman unable to wear sweatpants is not a happy woman, nuff said!

“18. Keep the House Tidy

To the best of your abilities, try to maintain a clean and orderly home. Seek to make it a haven of rest for your entire family. (Proverbs 31:27)”

In a house where both spouses work he needs to pull his own- why? BECAUSE HE LIVES THERE. Since I stay at home I like to do the lionshare of the work, but when i was working you best believe I was not going to do it all!

“19. Be Content

Do not pressure your husband to keep up with the Jonses. Take satisfaction in the lifestyle he is able to provide for you. (1 Timothy 6:6-10; Hebrews 13:5)”

I like this one. I too get struck by greed and envy but knowing that I have an awesome family and am not worried about where our next meal is coming from can sometimes put it in perspective. Not to mention if she’s all about keeping up with the Jonses, maybe she ought to be working towards it, not him 😉

“20. Take His Advice

Do not dismiss his opinions lightly, especially when you’ve asked for his counsel in the first place. Make every effort to follow your husband’s advice.”

Unless his advice is breathe underwater. Don’t consult him unless you’re going to at least listen. If there’s a flaw you see, then respond- i.e. he says you ought to stick a bone trough your nose, you worry about bacteria…. then he may have a better idea. I know MY husband has always had awesome advice, but in my previous relationships taking advice didn’t turn out so well at all!!!!

“21. Admire Him

Voiced compliments and heartfelt praise are always welcome, but you should also make it your habit to just look at your husband in a respectful, appreciative way. Think kind thoughts toward him. He’ll be able to see the admiration in your eyes. (Luke 6:45)”

As long as this isn’t a one way street, I think it’s good and valid ❤

“22. Protect His Name

Honor your husband in the way you speak of him to family and friends. Guard his reputation and do not let minor disagreements at home cause you to speak ill of him in public. Live in such a way that it will be obvious to others why your husband married you in the first place. (Proverbs 12:4; 22:1)”

I don’t think people will think less of anyone else because of a marital spat. So you guys had a disagreement and you’re married – join the club w00p w00p! “obvious to others why your husband married you in the first place” ??? Why? because you worship him? I’m all about defending him when I think he’s unfairly criticized and admitting when he has faults. I prefer to keep our business between us unless asking for advice from other married folks- and sometimes they’ve had the same situation and have a solution you haven’t thought of! So yes, don’t be like “oooohhh gurl you will not BELIEVE what this man did” but rather “we have this problem I was wondering if you had an idea on”  and take a certain amount of responsibility for that problem, after all, it can’t be all one person’s fault!

“23. Forgive His Shortcomings

In the words of Ruth Bell Graham, “A happy marriage is the union of two good forgivers.” Please do not hold grudges against your husband. Do not allow a root of bitterness or resentment find a home in your heart. Forgive your husband freely, as Christ has forgiven you. (Mark 11:25; Matthew 18:21-35)”

ugh, religious poop. The forgiveness is good though! Good relationships ain’t easy and if everyone broke up every time they did something that needed to be forgiven, none of us would have marriages over 6 months!  That being said- I know doormat type people out there that ought to grow a pair!

“24. Don’t Argue

You are not always right, and you do not always have to have the last word. Be the first to say, “I’m sorry.” Be willing to accept the blame. It takes two to argue, so “abandon a quarrel before it breaks out.” (Proverbs 17:14; 21:19; 25:24)”

NOPE. I don’t think the wife should always be the first to say sorry. I think the person who was wrong ought to apologize. I’m an idealist like that. Don’t fight unfairly. Learn how to argue and communicate with out yelling and name calling like children. most times both people are wrong.


So I noticed what bothered me the most about this list: it’s the Bible verses afterward. Like because the book says so, it means it’s a good idea, or because it was written down at one point in my religion’s history I now MUST obey… I dunno, it seems like it there was a typo in the New testament and it said only white shoelaces were allowed, there would be black shoelace burnings. Just my two cents, or dime for that matter!

“25. Follow His Lead

If you want your husband to lead, you must be willing to follow. Neither a body nor a family can function well with two heads. Learn to defer to your husband’s wishes and let final decisions rest with him. (Ephesians 5:22-24)”

Key words: “If you want your husband to lead” We have a kind of working two headed deal but it mainly works because we have enough self awareness to know when something isn’t our strong suit. I defer to him and his knowledge and he does the same. I don’t think forcing a man to lead when he is unsure is a respectful thing to do. It’s a cop out is anything.



Guilt Trippin’

While I have been susceptible to giving in to the guilt trip tactic, I don’t seem particularly disposed to using it myself. I always ponder why I don’t feel like the world OWES me anything, and how I can raise my kids to feel the same. In this day and age of walking islands of entitlement, it’s important to me at least to raise adults that when life hands them lemons they don’t promptly want to go mow down everyone with a chainsaw. When I was a kid, it was beat into me that I was given things out of the kindness of others hearts and that somethings were just not mine, nor would they ever be. The change in parenting style where everything is shared (while, I might add the parents rally against the government becoming too socialist) and everyone gets a vote is spoiling the major life lesson of life isn’t fair. You don’t always get what you want. You won’t like it. Things won’t always go your way and people will not always be nice to you about it. Do you need therapy to get over it? Probably not. Are you different? We all are. Get used to it. When I was a kid there were special candies. Candies that were Mom’s and Mom’s ALONE. Did we ask for some? Sure. She told us those were hers and no one could have any and that was that. When faced with something similar I’ve been told it wasn’t FAIR; I should share everything I have with my children. What does this teach them about personal boundaries?

I think the strength to triumph over adversity comes from not getting caught up in the “it’s not fair”  and moving into the “what are you going to do now”
Guilt trips seem to work so well on me because I don’t feel like anyone owed me anything so when people have done things for me I consider it a debt to be repaid, regardless of whether the person feels that way or not. I don’t deliver guilt trips very well since I always give only what I’m willing to never get back.

Humanity could use more of that: give more, expect less back…. it seems to make me pretty happy anyhow…

Pink Haired Freak

I have pink hair. I don’t do drugs, I don’t even smoke cigarettes. Does this surprise you? if you’re one of the ignorant populous, probably.

I have twelve piercings and two tattoos. I also had a 3.7 GPA when I graduated college. How does my choices on how to adorn my body reflect my ability to reason?

I had a baby 46 days after I turned 16 years old. I graduated before that time and have never been arrested as an adult. I’ve been to one juvenile facility. I have not received any food stamp or government assistance since I was 17. How does my one mistake mean I am certain to make others?

My BMI is 33 last time I checked. Men still find me sexy and I am still very strong and eat healthfully. I work hard. How does my weight predict my work ethic?

I’ve had over 100 sexual partners, including women. Most intercourse I’ve had was unprotected. I’ve never had any STD and am now happily married. How does one equal the other? How does my sexual freedom doom me to certain failure in relationships?

How am I an example of the most persecuted individuals in this society whilst the rest of humanity plays “hide the radioactive waste?” We move waste from polluted water, then toss those filters into landfills where it goes into the ground. Later we find we need to grow food, so we take it from the earth and pull the metal for manufacture which then becomes expendable. Say we burn our “garbage” this time and off into the air it goes. Down it comes as rain and so we start again.

I have an idea for a book. A really GOOD book, but I’m going to need you, my few blog readers, to bear with me as i mull over my thoughts.

The Infildelity Trap

I didn’t want to write about this a couple weeks ago while it was still so fresh because of what happened last time I blogged while angry ~ check out Wanna Fuck Me?  for an example of why one ought to wait till the calm perspective comes back before jotting down a few hundred – or thousand- words.

My husband  cheated. But what I want to write about today won’t be your typical post one how he’s an evil monster blah blah blah, cause we’re fine. What I want to meditate on is inter-gender communicative style differences. i know much has been said with the whole “Men are from Mars” bullshit but I’d like to add my two cents, and since it IS my blog and hardly anyone reads it unless directed by me, who am I hurting 😉

Hubby and I have been getting loosey goosey in the bedroom stuffs. He wanted to share me cause that’s been his kink forever, I wanted to try something cause I was afraid I was getting bored and didn’t want that to happen…. your typical story.  He had a kink that seemed easy enough and I just gave it a shot. It wasn’t so nice. Men in this general area treat women they meet online like a package of Omaha steaks they ordered online. TV? click. Video game console? click. Pussy? click. Not that this is a bad bad thing, but it is how it is, and with my temperament it doesn’t work. I’m just too smart, and I won’t be treated like I’m some sort of love kitten always purring to go. The one guy wasn’t so bad. Aside from the fact that he was indeed cheating on his wife, he really wasn’t. I didn’t like the initial lies, but with the smallness of this town I SORT OF understand them. Also, being a smarmy pushy smart ass is a turn off (for you male readers). What ended ant desire *I* had to continue with him was 1. the way hubby seemed to only want to have sex if we had shared or if we could discuss sharing the WHOLE time ~ which wouldn’t have been a buzz kill if 2. the man/ men seemed to have a reckless disregard for my bodily well being. Smacking and pulling hair is good for me if I know that person is not going to ACTUALLY harm me. Not for some man who wouldn’t even tall me his real name or age.  So yes, me and hubby are on the same page with this one and we spent some time on it cause frankly as a pregnant woman you don’t just brush of what your inner primate considers a near death experience (it’s all different when you’re pregnant, I don’t know what to say) So I was mulling over whether I wanted to give it one more go after I had the baby or if I was DONE done, when the discussion of him doing other women came up. I’m not gonna beat around the bush here. I like the idea of him enjoying other women – more to the point I like the idea of THEM enjoying him. I’d like to watch said enjoyment. But I get hesitant cause I’m not made of steel, I have feelings and right now they are pretty much decided by Satan’s roller coaster for the impregnated. The one friend he has that was interested in those kind of activities had never met me, and aside from the sexual stuffs, she seems like a really awesome gal that I ought to be friends with >.< So I thought “meh, invite her over for a friendly weekend kind of thing, then later on another weekend it wouldn’t be so weird”  I had no intention of anything happening, especially while I am on above mentioned coaster. This is where your miscommunication begins.

My message to him throughout the planning with woman A is that I want to know her, I don’t have many friends, and boy howdy would it be hot if this thing panned out on a later date.

The message he received was something like I want him to bop other women omg I’m so hot for it omg omg omg

So here’s how it all went down. We are on this site where there are a lot of people with strange fetishes. A woman with a rape fetish  messaged him after I’d gone to sleep a half dozen times or so inviting him to climb through her window and fuck her. He thought this would somehow make me happy, so agreed. He looked for his keys and when he couldn’t find them, took a cab to her place around 2/3 AM ~ again it isn’t the cab part that really makes me mad as much as it’s still spending family resource on POON! Ok, so then he fucks this woman, unprotected, talks a bit, then cabs it back home, still not even knowing her name. THEN (and this is the part I AM still a little pissy about) climbs into bed with me and fucks me TWICE. Shower or no, there’s a certain level of dishonesty about exposing your life partner to the smeg of another woman unknowingly. If I know and accept the risk, that’s one thing but it’s truly that last bit that pushed it over into cheating for me. So then we chit chat like any other couple in the morning and he starts the conversation with asking how seriously I was considering him doing woman A since he got laid last night.

I want to emphasize here that even IF woman A had come over that weekend and bopped his brains out it would have not been the same. She was a known quantity, I expected her, and I was okay with her. He took my arousal by the thought of this woman doing stuff with him to many ANY woman was good to go. Not so.

The conversation where explained what he had done, beaming with pride and accomplishment, made my heart sink. It made me realize a few things about our relationship that I had either failed to realize or was ignorantly trying to keep out of mind. 1. he is the provider so no matter what I say it depends on his wishes for the nature of our relationship as long as I am not a financial pull- it truly is only out of the kindness in his heart that he gives me say-so in this house. 2. he can and will expose me to danger unknowingly, opening up the question for me on the knowingly part. 3. my child like status has somewhat doomed me (by my own doing here) to a life of silence. I do not speak up as much as I should when things bother me. There are alternate issues he and I have that also prevent me from doing so, but I it isn’t going to get any better until I feel like an equal on my own turf. 4. I really like being alone. I like to have my own room. I like to do what I want, when I want. I like to not share my kids. I like to not have to care about someone who sometimes can be a giant man child, but will never admit to that. He does so much for me and I love him dearly, I can’t imagine my life without him. But at the same time I feel like in the 4 short years I didn’t have so much as a boyfriend I settled into my ways and I don’t wanna go back.

So getting off topic…. Why, you ask, is this the infidelity TRAP? Well, I essentially ASKED him to fuck other women. I have been asking him to fuck other women. Is it cheating if he fucked one *I* hadn’t scheduled? I came out with calling it cheating since I didn’t know about it until after the fact. But I can’t fault him for it. He sincerely thought he was doing what I had asked, and the last two weeks more than proved his apologetic feelings on what happened. He is a very GOOD guy. He doesn’t cheat. Despite MY realizations on our relationship that day, I know he’d counter each one saying I DO do something around here, and all the other touchy feeley stuff most women folk swoon over. Regardless, I think for my sake I ought to get some sort of income.

I have some other awesome other miscommunications too. Men: if you play games on your phone the entire time you’re waiting in an OB office, keep in mind that is not what SHE is doing. She is trying to remember questions to ask the doctor, thinking about if this visit will be the visit she fails that piss test, will they find a heartbeat or won’t they? what if something is wrong….. hope angry birds is worth it.

Men: spending entire weekends at home when you spend all your weekdays at home is like you sleeping at the office. We are not just pestering you cause we have a stick up our ass, we just wanna get the fuck out sometimes.It doesn’t mean we want you to spend money on us. It doesn’t mean we’re a a princess. It doesn’t mean we don’t LOVE spending time with you…. we just had bigger plans for our Saturday than watching you play Red Dead.

Women: sometimes when men want to sleep that ACTUALLY need to sleep. It isn’t cause they don’t love you.

Women: Men care about kids even if they aren’t theirs. It’s in HUMAN nature to care about offspring, otherwise none of us would be here! Asking a man to be your husband and NOT participate with your kids is like dooming him to a lifetime of coexistence! oh, and that won’t work long term unless you basically give up the kid or the man. No fun.

Men: that pushy attitude you get when a woman won’t go home with you? yeah, it won’t change my mind either. That sob story on how you’re so mistreated/ misunderstood too…. yep, heard it and I cried BIG tears. buh bye!

Women: men do not get why (neither do I) having someone use a sharp instrument to shove your cuticles back is RELAXING or a TREAT to yourself. Waxing too. It’s grooming, not a right of passage.

Okay, I think if I keep going I’ll end up on a cliff somewhere …. so that’s enough for one day >.<

Hope all is well with you and yours




Judgement Disclaimer

If you have come here to read and shake your finger at me, this post is for you. I am unashamed of my actions. I live my life to the best of my ability and I find no need to forgive myself or seek forgiveness for things I have done that I don’t consider wrong. This includes sex, seeking love, being naked online, being myself, being assertive, dressing how I want, cursing, not going to church, not believing in Jesus as the savior of humanity, etc. I will feel guilt for doing negative things (unwittingly) to people who were undeserving of my wrath. But this is rare, and I always find a way to earn back what I lost. Certain transgressions cannot be made up for, and I forgive myself to the best of my ability. If anything, I find that I am more honest (with myself and others) than the vast majority of religious and “pious” people. I don’t lie about who I am. I don’t take things I am not entitled to. I don’t abuse my children. That’s more than I can say for a lot of people. So if you are here to tell me I need to be saved, without any reasoning or discussion… stuff it. I am open to philosophical and theological discussion, but needless guilt trips I assure you will be like trying to teach a pig to sing ~ waste of your time, and a pissed off pig!

Wanna Fuck Me?

So yesterday I fulfilled my husbands fantasy of having sloppy seconds after I fucked an older gentleman I met off craigslist. I was originally looking for men to fuck me because my husband is into the sloppy seconds thing. I have been teetering between it for several reasons but mainly because I didn’t want anyone else. I just lam madly in love with him, he isn’t lacking in the bedroom, I’m not bored of him, and I dunno- I just didn’t want anything to change. I was also worried about how this would change the dynamic of our relationship, if he’d then want to bop other women and we’d slowly become one of those couples who never had sex with each other alone. When he met me I had poor self esteem and basically never met a cock I didn’t like. I regularly fucked men I’d met once, hours after I met them, unprotected. I didn’t care. I was suicidal but unable to escape my life because I have children to live for. I never cared about myself  or my well being.Now I have a tad more dignity and a tad more self-esteem, and I love him very much so I was happy to just have sex with him~ but this was a change from how I was when we met, and it began to feel like I had lied to him from the start to get him to fall in love with me, only to pull the rug out from under him – like “haha! those arent really my kinks!” so I figured what the hell, right? He has been begging me to fuck other men for a year now, so I’ll give it a whirl! I used to do this, I can do this again right? Well I met a man from my ad 2 days ago. An older man, but still really attractive in my book- said he was 45, so not terribly old- right up my ally really. I met him in person briefly to see if there was any chemistry and he was good. Yesterday he came over and despite being very nervous I was able to get over it and fuck him. It was different but good. It was nice to have someone different. After which he told me basically “FOOLED YA IM 52!” I would have been fine with that too- duh- but it left me feeling like I’m going to get lied to by even the nicest people (he was very nice in his responses) and that no one is who they say they are, even when the truth is just as good as the lie.

Hubby came home all riled up and had his way with me, which was fun. I was still really wound up from the gentleman and it was amazing to see the desire in hubby’s eyes, a fire I hadn’t seen in forever. But since he woke me up repeatedly the night before, horny cause I had made out with the gentleman, I had then had sex 6 times in  12 hours. So although jazzed I had taken this step, I didn’t want to be TOUCHED! But he just kept on and on and on- sexual innuendo and commenting on how I rock (which rarely comes up unless I perform some sexual FEAT) talking about how he was gonna get me later. And the worst thing is I did what I always do with him and sex~ I went along with it. I just fell like I’m not entitled to say no. When I say no he goes into passive aggression or self pity or worse “baby whats wrong” mode. Sometimes nothing is wrong. Sometimes i just don’t want my space and body violated. Sometimes I’m not horny and I just want to be talked to and respected as a human being, as a woman. Not all the time, hell not even MOST of the time. I’m just saying sometimes the hard cock needs to take a night off. And no, that does not mean you excuse yourself and go whack off you rude fucking bastard. It means you suck it up like the rest of the human population and manage to not orgasm for a certain period of time. You know I’m good for it. We’ve had what? 7 days in the past year we haven’t had sex?  I eventually had to be the bad woman and say “look leave me alone” ~ that is freaking ridiculous! He seemingly found this objectionable so he spent the night being passive aggressive- stayed up like he was having trouble sleeping cause I dunno, his dick was hard, reading dirty stories online. Then he left to go out to the living room, I assume to whack off. But he was loud the whole fucking night. Like he was out there being a pissy bitch because I wasn’t going to screw him.  So now I know I want sex with other men, cause it was good. But I want someone to have sex with me because of me, not cause I’m a nasty cumslut/ whore/ dirty bird whatever…..   Does that seem like too much to ask? I mean if I’m so awesome of a girl, why is it only one man has wanted to have sex with the real me just because I was me? (sometimes I miss Phil) I feel like stray cat only wants cumslut bunnie and not his wife who loves him very much. And now I have all these responses that if I had to give them a title it would be something like  “if horny dogs could type” demanding that I provide them this or that (a phone number, a pic, an address) and more or less treating me as less than human. I’m beginning to understand the anti-porn platform.

I often still wonder why these behavior are fine/ feel fine when I am single, but not once I have a person I love. I love to fuck older men, always have. late 30s all the way to mid 50s has always been my thing. They just have gotten past their amateur junk and know how to touch women. They’re dirty but not condescending. I have always had a strong sex drive. I like to do it 3-4 times a day as long as it’s with someone I know and trust, I do. But it has to be under 15 minutes and not be effin marathon sex, or that gets cut in half- also one new person kills it for the rest of the day cause of my nerves. I know these things about me. I   am not shy about my desires, and I’m usually easy to get in the sack since the ideas are usually somewhere floating around anyhow. Maybe I’m more male in this aspect.

This situation was not bad when the gentleman left- at least not too bad- I felt lied to and kind of cheated since I like to know what I am getting into before I get into it (or it gets into me so to speak) but then to see that look in his eyes that I haven’t seen in so long. That excitement. Why isn’t he excited to be doing to bed with his wife? Why do  I have to get fucked by someone else who I’m not generally interested in to get my husband to be interested in ME? It’s just like he just wants a dirty cumslut. Not me. Which is true of most men I’ve been with. It’s been my tolerance of bondage, submission, anal, facials, etc that has made me popular. But what I’ve always wanted deep down was something different. I’m not a porn star, I’m his wife, the soon to be mother of his son…. why can’t I not suck a cock without consequences? I don’t want him to get bored of me. And sometimes when we’re making love when I basically don’t want to, I silently cry, hearing my ex sister in law’s word in my head about how I lost my ex cause I don’t know how to keep a man happy. I worry that he will find someone more exciting, younger  with a better body, unscathed by child bearing and I’ll lose Scott and him and live the rest of my days alone, waiting for my kids to be grown so I can go take a long walk off a short pier.

And this is me ON antidepressants! He’s on them too cause I have no idea, he has issues that overshadow all that is going on with me. Oh, I’m having a baby, but go ahead, let’s talk about what your parents did when you were 6! I know what it’s like to be scared of parenthood, I’m scared of it everyday but GET THE FUCK OVER IT! The whole while you’re sitting there being a douche and weeping over lost opportunity, you’re losing this one RIGHT NOW to be involved. So you know what I’m not going to pity you later when you recognize this time will be over soon and despair at lost time, cause I was HERE telling you. Amazingly I’ve told him all this- this is not a secret that I hold in- but he just. doesn’t. care. He will SAY he does. But we all know actions speak louder then words, and when it comes to action…. well, I’m just not worth it unless I have other men’s sperm to boost my value.